Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
by Digimon Emperor X
Summary: Harvey is taking on new cases and the courtroom antics continue. Court will never be the same again!
1. WinnieTheScrewed

Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law

By: DMEX

_Nadda is mine, otherwise I'll be ending up being sued by the dude in the title_

Ch. 1

Winnie-The-Screwed

Time: 00:30 AM Date: The Blustery Night

Place: The Hundred Acre Wood.

_Pooh ends up falling asleep while protecting his hunnyful goods_

*: Heffalumps and woozels! Heffalumps and woozels! Steal Hunny! Steal Hunny!

(meanwhile Police sirens blare outside Pooh's House)

Officer (on bullhorn): Winnie-The-Pooh! We have the house surrounded! Come out with your hands up!

(This wakes Pooh up. Now being a Bear-With-Very-Little-Brain he grabs his popgun and heads outside thinking it's an intruder. The Police jump him and arrest him)

Officer: You're under arrest for stealing hunny! You have the right to remain silent-

_The cops cuff him and send him to jail_

(Harvey Birdman main opening)

-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-

_Harvey is working at one of his recent cases._

Harvey: Avenger, can you hand me the _Ghost Rider v. The City of Townsville_ case file?

_Avenger just squawks_

Phil Ken Sebben: Heads up, Harvey! We're going on vacation! Everyone here is but you.

Harvey: Then where are you going?

Sebben: To the Nintendo World Convention! Me and the boys are gonna be chomping on 1-Up Mushrooms and scoring chicks from the Mushroom Kingdom or Hyrule.

Harvey (angry): _**AND I WASN'T INVITED!**_

Peanut (while chewing a 1-Up Mushroom): You have a client anyway…

(1-Up sound is heard after Peanut swallows it)

Harvey: So who's my client?

(little pitter-patter sounds are heard. It is Piglet)

Piglet: P-p-p-p-please Mr. Birdman, help my friend.

Harvey: So who's your friend?

Piglet: Pooh. He was arrested last night!

Harvey: Really? So what could a bear-with-very-little-brain do?

Piglet: Stealing hunny from The Hunny Tree…

Harvey: _**THAT'S TERRIBLE! HOW IS A POOH BEAR SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE IN THE WILD IF HE DOESN'T HAVE HUNNY! I'LL TAKE THE CASE!**_

(Prison, Block A Cell 1)

Piglet: Pooh!

Pooh: Piglet! What are you doing here?

Piglet: Mr. Birdman is going to get you outta here.

Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you in court.

Pooh: The police took all my hunny jars and now I have a rumbly in my tumbly.

Harvey: Nurse! Get this Pooh Bear some hunny before he kills over!

-100 Acre Wood-

Harvey: Tiger, did you know Winnie-The-Pooh was arrested last night?

Tiger: Who, Pooh Bear? Nah, he can't be aflested and demained…

Harvey: The term is _arrested and detained_.

Tiger: That's what I said. Aflested and demained.

-100 Acre Wood, Rabbit's Howse-

Harvey: Rabbit, did you happen to know something unusual, regarding a certain bear?

Rabbit: Pooh? No, not really. He stopped by for lunch as always. Maybe Owl will know something.

-100 Acre Wood, Owl's Howze-

Harvey: Owl, do you know something about The Hunny Tree?

Owl: Why, yes I do. Every bear who has ever tried to get to The Hunny Tree has been arrested.

Harvey: Arrested?

Owl: Bears want the hunny out of there because the hunny in it is the perfect taste and sweetness to satisfy even the hungriest bears.

-Court, The day of the Trial-

Judge: The Queen of Hearts Bailiff: The White Rabbit

Prosecution: Yosemite Sam Defense: Harvey Birdman

(White Rabbit plays fanfare)

White Rabbit: All rise. Court is now in session. The Queen of Hearts is presiding.

_Queen of Hearts comes in and everyone rises (for fear she chop their heads off)_

QOH: You may be seated. Mr. Sam you're opening arguments.

Yosemite Sam: Thank you Yer Honor. This is Winnie-The-Pooh, the roughest, toughest, meeeeeaaanist bear you'll ever meet. He's a hunny stealing varmint that needs to be locked up in a zoo! And if you set him free, you'll be letting bears all over do the same!

Harvey: Friends, Humane Officers and Gamers-

(glares at Yugi Muto. He is in the Jury)

Harvey: -Who are we to arrest Pooh? How is a Pooh Bear supposed to survive in the wild if Pooh Bears don't eat hunny? That is for you the Jury to correct this mistake and allow Pooh to continue to have hunny!

QOH (sarcastic): That's quite touching, Mr. Birdman…

Harvey: Why thank you-

QOH (angry, banging her heart shaped gavel): _**THAT WAS SARCASIM YOU FOOL!**_

-Court-

Harvey: I call Eeyore to the stand!

(Eeyore is at the stand)

Harvey: Please tell the court in your own words what you were doing on the night my client was arrested.

Eeyore (gloomy): I'll tell ya; not that it matters anyway…

QOH (banging her gavel): _**IT BETTER MATTER, OR IT'LL BE OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!**_

Harvey: Objection, Your Honor! You can't threaten the witness!

QOH: I can and I will!

Yosemite Sam: I call Tiger to the stand!

(Tiger is at the stand)

Yosemite Sam: Who are you?

Tiger: I'm Tiger! T-I-Double GA-ER; that's spells Tiger!

Yosemite Sam: And what do Tigers do best?

Tiger: They bounce. (Crowd and jury gasps)

Harvey: Objection! Tiger: What he says! You can't aflest and demain me for that! Tigers have rights too, ya know!

QOH (angry): _**OVERRULED!**_

Harvey: I call Banjo to the stand! (Banjo is at the stand. He's wearing an orange jumpsuit)

Harvey: Mr. uhh…

Banjo: Banjo.

Harvey: Suck at that instrument… You were arrested for stealing Hunny from the Hunny Tree?

Banjo: There was a Jiggy up there. I got Hunny for a hungry bear and the next thing I know, I'm being cuffed and my adventure ended with me and Kazooie being put in jail.

QOH: Court is in recess until tomorrow morning! (bangs her gavel)

-Moe's Tavern-

Pooh: Will you say good-bye to Pooh…

Moe: Don't you dare give up on that Pooh Bear! You give up on him, you'll be signing a death sentence to bears everywhere!

Harvey: What can I do? I got Queen of Hearts as the Judge and she's as ruthless as any other judge out there.

Moe: Would a hunny beer make you feel better?

(Hunny keeps buzzing in Harvey's skull. Harvey has a very bad vision of the future of hunny freedom for bears until something catches on to him.)

Harvey: You're absolutely right! Moe, 2 of your biggest jars of Hunny you got!

(Ric Flair's music plays in the background as Harvey sticks his hand in the Hunny pot and eats the hunny)

Harvey: Mmm! Sweet Hunny.

-Court, next day-

QOH: Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yugi (from jury): We have, Your Honor.

Harvey: Hold on, Your Honor!

QOH (angry, banging her gavel): _**MR. BIRDMAN; YOU BETTER HAVE A GODDAMNED EXCUSE FOR THIS!**_

Harvey: We do Your Honor! As you can see in this evidence bag, there are several shell casings. These casings come from Colt .45 guns. _**THE SAME COLT .45 GUNS THAT YOSEMITE SAM HAS ON HIS PERSON!**_

QOH (furious, slamming her gavel): _**MR. SAM! THERE BETTER BE A DAMNED GOOD REASON FOR THIS!**_

(Yosemite Sam grins sheepishly, _Looney Tunes _ironic music is heard)

QOH: _**GUARDS! TAKE SAM AND OFF WITH HIS HEAD!**_ As for you Winnie-The-Pooh you are ordered to 7 weeks rehab for your Hunny Addiction! _**COURT ADJOURNED!**_

-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-

Harvey: Well, we won but didn't get the result we wanted.

(women giggling. Peanut comes in with Peach and Zelda)

Peanut: Hey, HB! We're back.

Harvey: Is one for me?

Peanut: No.

(Pooh comes in with a pot of hunny stuck on his head)

Pooh: Oh bother…

(Everyone starts laughing)

Harvey: Silly old bear.

(Harvey Birdman Credits)

To be continued…!


	2. Death by Kunai

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 2

Death by Kunai

Time: 9:30 AM Date: The Chunin Ninja Exams

Place: The Village Hidden in the Leaves

Naruto is on his way to the Ninja Exams when the Police stop him and slam him against the wooden fence

Naruto (angry): **_WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!_**

Officer: You're under arrest!

Naruto: On what charges?

Officer: Skipping Jury Duty!

(The Police cuff him and toss him in the cruiser and speed off)

(Harvey Birdman main opening)

-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-

Harvey is searching his desk frantically while Peanut is playing Tekken 6 on his PSP.

Harvey: Peanut! Have you seen my manga anywhere?

Peanut: Not sure, HB.

Harvey: And another thing, stop leaving your Hentai videos in my computer. I can't afford to buy another AVG anti-virus program!

* (on intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have a client.

Harvey: Send 'em in.

Konohamaru _ comes in_

Harvey: What can I do for you, ehhh…?

Konohamaru

: Konohamaru…

Harvey: Their games suck. What seems to be the trouble?

Konohamaru: Naruto was picked up by the stupid pigs and shoved off to the big house!

Harvey: Him again? He'll be getting some hard time for something no doubt. I'll take the case!

-Prison, Block B Cell 4-

Harvey: So what did you do this time, Naruto?

Naruto: **_APPARENTLY… _**I'm sittin' in the damned slammer for skipping Jury Duty! **_I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD JURY DUTY!_**

Harvey: Are you sure you didn't get put in here for another one of your infamous pranks?

Naruto (angry): **_HELL NO! GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!_**

Konohamaru: **_FIGHT THE POWER BOSS!_**

-Training Field-

Harvey: Lee, was Naruto informed about an upcoming trial? He was supposed to be on Jury Duty.

Rock Lee: Every Ninja is asked to do Jury Duty. It says so in the Ninja Academy Handbook.

Harvey: But did Naruto go?

Rock Lee: He may have had a different trial than me, so I can't be too sure.

-Ramen Stand-

Harvey: Pardon me, uhh… Gaara: Gaara…

Harvey: No thanks, had one at KFC. Did you do your certified duty on the Juror's-

Gaara: Shut up, or I'll kill you… Harvey: Backing away…

-Court, The Day of the Trial-

Judge: Maximillion Pegasus Bailiff: Croquet

Prosecutor: Roy Mustang Defense: Harvey Birdman

Croquet: All rise. Please give our judge for this trial a warm welcome, Mr. Maximillion Pegasus.

Pegasus comes in, but nobody cheers.

Pegasus: Thank you, you may all be seated now. Croquet, try to get yourself a writer; you need some material, not some drabble to suck up to me. Though **_I AM _**the greatest judge in the American Courtroom today…!

(a Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon turns into a gavel, Pegasus slams it)

Pegasus: Mr. Mustang, your opening comments?

Roy Mustang: Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, the defendant did not do his obligatory duty. Juror Duty to be exact, therefore he has broken the law and must be dealt with by the fullest extent of the law!

Pegasus: Mr. Birdman; care to rebuttal?

Harvey: Ladies, Gentlemen, juvenile delinquents of the courtroom, my client had no knowledge of him being sent to Jury Duty. **_YOU CANNOT CONVICT SOMEONE WHO HAS NO IDEA THAT HE WAS TO REPORT TO THE COURTROOM FOR A TRIAL HE HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF! _**If you convict him, he'll be robbed of his innocence-

Pegasus (sarcastic): wow… And I thought daytime television was bad. You're rebuttal **_REALLY _**does suck.

Harvey: I sense sarcasm… Pegasus: Correctamundo you are.

-Court-

Roy Mustang: I call Tsunade to the stand. (Tsunade is at the stand. She fuddles with her long pigtails)

Roy Mustang: How long have you been Hogake? Tsunade: Only a few months…

Roy Mustang: And what may I ask, were you doing during those few months?

Tsunade: Cleaning up the mess that terrorists made in our village.

Roy Mustang: I have photos of you doing some "extra-marital" activities. Care to explain?

Pegasus: Oh, do tell! I love watching scandals come into the light!

Harvey: **_OBJECTION! _**(Toon Mermaid points a sharp arrow at Birdman) Harvey: **_OVERRULED!_**

Pegasus: That's what I thought.

Tsunade: I was asked to do a Hentai with some of the other Ninja. Why do you ask?

Roy Mustang: Was Naruto apart of it?

Tsunade: He got shy, so he left.

Peanut (quietly to Naruto): Who'd ya see naked? Hinata? Or was it Sakura…?

Roy Mustang: Nothing further…

-Court-

Harvey: I call Konohamaru to the stand.

(Konohamaru is at the stand)

Harvey: What were you doing the morning Naruto was arrested?

Konohamaru: I was getting my morning dose of _Beetle Bailey_.

Harvey: Were you doing anything else?

Konohamaru: Just getting some photos developed of when Naruto and myself went to _Monday Night RAW_.

Harvey: Yes, you were arrested for taking part in a very disgusting prank as I recall.

Pegasus: Oooh! I love a good practical joke! Do tell, Mr. Birdman!

Harvey: Before we get to that, Konohamaru, are you sure Naruto didn't know he was supposed to be in court on the morning he was arrested.

Konohamaru: No, he wasn't doing anything like that.

Harvey: He wouldn't purposely cut? Konohamaru: **_HELL NO!_**

Harvey: May I remind you that you are under oath?

Shows footage of the prank

(A/N: For those of you that don't know, read _Naruto's Third Epic Return _written by me)

(Pegasus laughs hysterically)

Roy Mustang: **_OBJECTION! ENCOURAGING BAD BEHAVIOR OF THE DEFENDANT!_**

Pegasus: Overruled! Show me that footage again.

Avenger plays the footage again, Pegasus starts laughing hysterically

Pegasus: I have got to remember that for my next Stand up Comedy gig.

-Court-

Harvey: Gaara, please tell the court- Gaara: Shut up, or I'll kill you… Harvey: Nothing further.

-Court-

Harvey: Sasuke, what is your relationship with Naruto Uzumaki?

Sasuke: **_I'M NOT HIS FRIEND! HE'S A WORTHLESS DUNCE!_**

Sakura (angry): **_YOU'RE DEAD TO ME SASUKE! YOU HEAR ME!_**

(Sakura is at the stand) Sakura: I don't why Naruto has to be a pain in the ass!

Harvey: Care to have your input? Sakura: **_GOD NO! HE CAN ROT IN A 6x9 CELL FOR ALL I CARE!_**

-Court-

Naruto: I don't understand this… I'm just a regular super cool Ninja who happens to love ramen, pranks and practical jokes and wants to be Hogake one day.

(buzzer goes off) Pegasus: Sorry folks, time's up! Court is in recess until tomorrow morning.

-Moe's Tavern-

Naruto (to Konohamaru): If I get raped in jail, I just want you to know; I won't cry and I won't enjoy it…

Konohamaru (to Naruto): We're screwed! **_GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!_**

Harvey: I seriously doubt we'll lose the case…

Riley Freeman: If you lose this case, I'll piss on your cat!

Harvey: I don't even have a cat.

Riley Freeman: Then I'll piss on your eagle!

-Court, next day-

Pegasus: Has the Jury reached a verdict?

Toon Monsters (together): **_NOT GUILTY!_**

Pegasus: The jury has spoken! This court is adjourned! And remember, watch out for dinosaurs on the way out and those nasty pigeons!

Pigeon (Brooklyn accent): What have you got against pigeons?

-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-

Harvey: I don't know how we pulled it off but we did it!

Naruto: Now I won't get raped in jail!

Konohamaru: And I won't have to find a new role model!

Harvey: And try to stay out of trouble.

One of Kakashi's dogs takes a dump on Peanut's new shirt.

Peanut: Now that's a stinky meatball…

(Sakura punches Peanut)

Sakura (angry): **_THAT WASN'T FUNNY!_**

(Harvey Birdman Credits)

To be continued…!


	3. Academy Arrest

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 3

Academy Arrest

Time: 23:59 PM Date: Night Before the School Duel

Place: Duel Academy

(a figure comes out of Chancellor Sheppard's office and speeds out)

The academy alarm goes off

The Academy Police break down Jaden's door

Officer: Cuff him!

Jaden: **_HEY WAIT! WHAT'D I DO!_** Officer: Search his deck!

(officers search his Duel Monsters deck when a premium rare stops them)

Officer: You're under arrest…

(Harvey Birdman main opening)

-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-

Harvey (on phone): Sakura punched Naruto again? Yes, I believe anger management will be the possible solution.

Peanut is playing

Mario Kart DS _on his Nintendo DSi_

(Harvey hangs up the phone)

Harvey: Peanut, did you happen to find the case file _Boa Hancock v. Central Park Zoo_?

Peanut: Boa Hancock? HB; you my friend are a killa with the ladies.

* (intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have a client. A Miss Rhodes.

Harvey: Send her in.

(Alexis comes in with Zane Truesdale. Peanut makes cat calls to Alexis, Alexis slaps him hard)

Harvey: What can I do for you?

Alexis: You have to help us. Jaden was arrested last night!

Harvey: Jaden? Zane: Jaden Yuki.

Harvey: What was he arrested for?

Zane: Supposedly stealing a premium rare card from Duel Academy.

Harvey: He's looking at some hard time. By the way Alexis: are you by any chance-

Alexis (angry): **_NO I AM NOT RELATED TO DUSTY RHODES!_**

Harvey: sorry… **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

(Pooh gets send through the mail chute, but gets stuck in Harvey's chute. Pooh's excessive body weight gives in and shoots him right into the kitchen and into a pot of hunny)

Pooh: Oh, bother. (laughs)

Zane: that was unusual…

-Prison, Block A Cell 1-

Harvey: Are you Jaden Yuki? Jaden: The one and only.

Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you at your upcoming trial.

Syrus: Don't worry Jay. At least they won't keep you.

Chazz: Do you have **_ANY IDEA _**what they do to slackers like Jaden in prison? A little advice, Jaden: Don't drop the soap!

(Chazz laughs as he leaves)

*: (squeals)

Harvey: **_WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? _**Jaden: It's Winged Kuriboh.

Winged Kuriboh: (squeals)

Harvey: Can we get an exterminator in here?

-Court-

Judge: Mentok the Mind Taker Bailiff: Oolong

Prosecutor: Teen Bulma Defense: Harvey Birdman

Oolong: All rise for the dumb ass-

Mentok: Say it the right way! Oolong: Make me!

Mentok: Do you feel the need to use the toilet? Oolong (angry): **_NO FAIR!_**

Oolong (sarcastically): Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, when your car is a-broken and you need a-fixen and you got no where else to go-a Judge Mentok the Mind Taker.

_Mentok the Mind Taker appears via smoke bomb in his podium chair._

Mentok: **_YES! _**Score one for the Mind Taker! **_OOOWWWWEEEOOEO!_**

Jaden: And I thought Professor Banner was strange.

Oolong: You know Mentok, you are **_REAALLLYY_** gonna pay for this later. Mentok: Anyway, court is in session.

(slams his brain gavel)

Mentok: Harvey, you're first.

Harvey: Ladies and gentlemen, and half-breed dog humans-

(Inu-Yasha is on Jury Duty)

Harvey: This young man who I am defending is in fact innocent! Just because he has some valuable rare card, doesn't mean he's a thief-

Mentok (sarcasm): Thank you Harvey, that was quite enlightening…

Oolong: You got served, Birdman!

Mentok: Miss Briefs, if you don't mind…

Bulma: **_GIVE ME A FRICKIN BREAK! HE HAD THE EVIDENCE THEREFORE HE'S GUILTY!_**

Oolong: Real subtle, Bulma…

Bulma (angry): **_BE QUIET PIG!_**

-Court-

Bulma (while showing some sex appeal): State your name, sign, and phone number…

(Zane seems to know what she's trying to do)

Zane: My name is Zane Truesdale, my sign is none of your concern and I'm not inclined to tell you my phone number.

Harvey: Objection, she flirting with the witness!

Mentok: Sustained!

Bulma (angry): **_SCREW YOU, BIRDMAN!_**

-Court-

Harvey: Now uh… Syrus: Syrus.

Harvey: Not a fan of her music. Please tell the court in your own words what you were doing on the night my client was arrested.

Syrus: Taking a bath.

Harvey: Where at? Syrus: Where do you think!

Harvey: Need I remind you that you are under oath?

Avenger kills the lights and shows footage of when Syrus had 'allegedly' broke into the Obelisk Women's Dorm

Harvey: You were caught by the women in their dorm. Was their a chance you were sneaking into the girls' dorm again?

Syrus: **_I WAS NO WHERE NEAR THAT PLACE!_**

Harvey: Next witness! Oolong (to Syrus): See anything you liked?

Bulma hammers Oolong

Bulma (angry): **_WILL YOU CONTROL YOURSELF! YOU PERVERT!_**

-Court-

Bulma: So what makes you think Jaden did the crime?

Chazz: He had the damn evidence so haul him to jail.

Ojama Yellow: How can ya be so cruel?

Chazz (angry): **_NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION!_**

Mentok: The witness is reframed from yelling at the sea aliens until court is in recess!

Chazz: Don't drop the soap, **_JADEN!_** (laughs evilly)

(Bulma smacks him) Bulma (angry): **_DON'T EVEN JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT!_**

-Court-

Harvey: -So wouldn't it be wise to say-

Mentok (thinking): It's so **_BORING IN HERE! _**Mentok: **_MIND SWAP!_**

(magic sounds)

Dr. Crowler (in Jaden's body): **_GET ME OUT OF THIS SLACKER'S BODY!_**

Jaden (in Crowler's body): **_I DON'T WANNA LOOK LIKE THIS FOREVER!_**

Mentok: Spoilsport… (bweeeo)

(magic sounds)

Mentok: Court is in recess until tomorrow 8:30 sharp!

-Pop's Moon Palace-

Harvey: Is it possible to cut a deal?

Bulma: Why? You know I'm winning so you're trying to cut a deal hoping you won't get humiliated in court tomorrow.

Harvey: **_SO? YOU WERE FLIRTING WITH THE WITNESS!_**

Bulma: **_AM NOT! I'M LOOKING FOR A NEW BOYFRIEND!_**

Zane: For the last time, Bulma; I'm not interested.

Pops: **_OOOH! _**You just got burned there missy!

Bulma: Fine you don't know what you're missing Zane.

Zane: I think I have an idea what I am missing…

(thought bubble)

Bulma: You just wait! **_I DON'T NEED YOUR F**KING DEAL! I'M PERFECTLY FINE WINNING ON MY OWN!_**

Jaden: What's her problem?

Pops: Don't have a clue, Jaden. But I hope you pull though…

-Court-

Mentok: Has the jury reached a verdict?

Myoga the Flea: We have Your Honor. Inu-Yasha: Guilty.

Myoga the Flea: _'We the jury find Jaden Yuki, not guilty.' _But he still is a slacker.

Inu-Yasha: And I say he's guilty! Kagome: Sit boy.

(**_THUD!_**) Inu-Yasha: **_DAMN YOU!_**

-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-

Jaden: Guess it's back to Duel Academy for me.

(Pooh Bear comes back with a jar of Hunny on his head and falls down)

Harvey: Silly old bear.

(Harvey Birdman Credits)

To be continued…!


	4. 12 Angry Women

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By DMEX

Ch. 4

12 Angry Women

Time: 16:30 PM Date: After the World Tournament

Place: Roshi's Island

(Master Roshi is watching some video and laughing very perversely)

The FBI's Choppers fly onto the island and bust down the door, beat Roshi up and haul him out of the house

Roshi: What the hell are you doing?

FBI Officer: You're under arrest!

Launch: Wait, on what charges?

Roshi: Yeah, you got nuttin on me!

FBI Officer: Sexual Harassment.

(the cops toss Roshi and haul him to jail)

(Harvey Birdman main opening)

-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-

Harvey (on phone): Why was Billy arrested? You're kidding? Well, he's looking at some hard time…

_Peanut is watching _Project Boobs_ on his PSP(he downloaded it on Harvey's computer)_

Harvey: Will you stop watching that?

Peanut: Why? It's my video? Harvey: Which you downloaded on **_MY_** computer!

* (intercom): Mr. Birdman you have some clients.

Harvey: Send 'em in. (Kid Goku and Kid Krillin walk in)

Harvey: What can I do for you boys?

Krillin: You need to help us get Master Roshi outta jail. He was arrested for Sexual Harassment.

Goku: That's a good thing, right, Krillin?

Krillin: **_NO DUMMY! _**That's a bad thing!

(Goku is peeing on Harvey's desk)

Harvey (angry): **_WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN!_**

Krillin: You'll have to forgive Goku, he's poorly educated and his mannerisms suck, hence he was practically raised by wolves.

Harvey: **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE! _**But you owe me a new desk.

-Prison, Block D, Cell 1-

Harvey: Can't say I'm shocked…

Krillin: Master Roshi, we gotta get you outta jail. You'll get killed, or worse!

Goku: Like what? Krillin: The fact they'll rape him in jail.

Harvey: It won't be easy, but I'll get you out of this.

(Goku pat-pats Irwin)

Irwin (angry): **_WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YO? _**Goku: I get it now! You're a boy!

Irwin: **_OF COURSE I'M A F**KING BOY, YO! WHAT D'YOU EXPECT!_**

-Court-

Judge: Ichigo Kurosaki Bailiff: Oolong

Prosecutor: Mai Valentine Defense: Harvey Birdman

Oolong: All rise for the most kick ass judge in America, Judge Ichigo Kurosaki.

(Ichigo comes in, but everyone boos him)

Ichigo (angry): **_SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE HELL UP!_**

(bangs his gavel)

Ichigo: I don't give a f**k who starts. Just somebody do opening statements…

Harvey: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury-

(12 angry women are in the jury. One of them is Kadea from _Ninja Nonsense_)

Harvey: (pardon) ladies of the jury, my client has been arrested for a heinous crime. If you convict him, it could ultimately ruin his image and the legacy he brings to-

Ichigo: **_SHUT YOUR F**KING PIE HOLE! _**Harvey: But I haven't even-

Ichigo: **_SHUT IT OR I'LL COME DOWN THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!_**

Mai: Thank you, Your Honor. This old fart who sits here in this courtroom today is a "Dirty Old Man." Convict him and keep women safe for future generations.

Roshi (angry): **_I TOOK A BATH LAST TUESDAY!_**

-Court-

Mai: I call Turtle to the stand. (Turtle is at the stand) Mai: Tell the court what you've observed with Roshi.

Turtle: Where to begin…? There was the time Master Roshi was involved in that dirty _Playboy _cover girl scheme, the money laundering scheme he had with Onsakamaru and let's not forget when he started peeping in the women's locker room at Endsville Pool.

-Court-

Sheamus: Da guy is a pig! I got blamed for him stealin' Beth Phoenix's unmentionables. If ya don't mind, I'd like to put me foot so far up his ass dat he'll be pukin' up shoelaces and his underwear.

-Court-

Onsakamaru: So I laundered some big bucks… Does that make me a rapist? No… (smokes a cigarette) Does that make me a damn good business man? **_YA DAMN RIGHT I AM!_**

Mai: **_SHUT IT!_**

Onsakamaru: You wanted me to testify and that's exactly what I'm doing! Everyone, bow your heads and pretend to care as I recite the Pimp's prayer.

(Mai is to her boiling point. You can even see the veins popping in her head)

Mai: **_OBJECTION! THE WITNESS IS MAKING ME AND EVERYONE ELSE HERE COMPLETELY ANGRY!_**

Ichigo: The witness is to be detained.

-Court-

Goku: Can I get a 50 ounce steak with some cheese fries and a extra large Mr. Pibb?

(Mai face palms herself for Goku's stupidity which makes everyone in the courtroom laugh)

Ichigo (banging his gavel): **_ORDER! ORDER IN THE MOTHERF**KING COURT!_**

Goku: Does that come with ketchup? Krillin: Not that kind of Order, Goku!

Oolong: I'm amazed at your stupidity, kid.

Mai (while trying to hold her anger): The witness may step down…

-Court-

Harvey: State your name. Billy: Billy, sir.

Harvey: Please tell the court in your own words what you were doing in Endsville Pool.

Billy (fast): Grim took me to change in the boys room, but Roshi took me to the girls locker room to get some underwear (DEEP GASPS) **_SO THAT I COULD ENJOY D CUPS! _**I got arrested for farting in public.

Ichigo: Court is in recess until 9:30 tomorrow morning. (bangs gavel)

-Chef Kawasaki's Parlor-

Goku is on his 47ht bowl and plate of food and extra large Mr. Pibb. Harvey is amazed, yet shocked at how much Goku eats. Mai has a "wtf?" look on her face. Meanwhile Krillin is on his 9th plate and bowl of food.

Mai (shocked): How much does this kid eat? Launch: A lot…

Mai: 47 dishes of food and glasses of soda and a 50 ounce steak… How much is this gonna cost me…?

(Harvey glares over at Peanut)

Peanut: For you, nothing. Peanut (quietly to Mai): If you do a little favor for me…?

-Court, Next Morning-

Ichigo: has the frikin' jury reached a verdict?

Kadea: We have Your Honor. Ichigo: Then hurry the hell up, I got school in 5 minutes.

Kadea: _"We the jury find August Roshi, **GUILTY OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT!**__  
><em>

Mai: **_WE WON! _**Ichigo: Then I sentence your ass to be tortured in Orange City Penitentiary for 7 years!

-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-

Krillin: What do we do now? Master Roshi is going to jail! Goku: Lets just ask them to let him out.

(phone rings) Harvey: Hello, Sebben & Sebben Law Offices. Harvey Birdman speaking.

(Mai is laughing at Harvey on the other end and basically telling him off)

Harvey: I'll never hear the end of this one… (Mr. Krabbs is playing the world's smallest violin)

Harvey (angry): **_WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE!_**

(Harvey Birdman Credits)

To be continued…!


	5. Pink Elephants are Extinct!

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 5

Pink Elephants are Extinct!

Time: 24:25 PM Date: A School Night

Place: Funbari Graveyard

Yoh Asakura is lying on the grass. Pink Elephant ghosts are circling around him. The Police are doing a routine check when the see Yoh.

Officer A: What are you doing here? Yoh: Watching pink elephant ghosts.

Officer B: Your under arrest! Yoh (shocked): Arrested? For what?

Officer A: Public Intoxication! (The cops cuff him and send him to jail)

(Harvey Birdman main opening)

-Sebben & Sebben Law Firm-

Harvey: 1, 2, 3, 4... Peanut, have you seen my case file? I'm missing _The Alpha Gang v. South Park, Colorado_.

Peanut: Can't tell ya. But isn't that Alpha Gang girl too (looks both ways) old?

Harvey: Don't say that, you'll get us all killed!

* (intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have a client.

Harvey: Send 'em in. (Morty Manta comes in)

Morty: Can you help my friend? Yoh was arrested for seeing pink elephants. Harvey: ahhh… Drinking in public was he?

Morty (angry): **_HELL NO! HE WAS WATCHING PINK ELEPHANTS UNDER THE STARS IN THE GRAVEYARD!_**

Peanut: So he was smoking pot?

(Anna comes in and smacks Peanut with a paper fan)

Peanut (angry): **_OWW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?_**

Anna: Let me be more precise. He's a Shaman.

Harvey: Well that explains a lot… **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

Amidamaru (spirit form) tries to sneak out with Harvey's missing case file

Anna: Going somewhere, Amidamaru?

-Prison, Block 1, Cell 3-

Harvey: Are you Yoh Asakura? Yoh: Yes.

Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. Your friend Morty and Anna asked me to take your case.

Anna: I don't even know why I should pay your bail. Maybe I should let you stay here.

(Amidamaru is being bound by Anna's Spirit Beads and has a shock collar on his neck)

Amidamaru (fearfully): **_HELP ME, YOH!_**

-Funbari Graveyard-

Harvey: Wooden Sword Rio, you wouldn't happen to know about Pink Elephants-

(Rio grabs his mouth shut) Rio (quietly): You moron, you wanna get all whacked?

-Court-

Judge: Dr. Drakken Bailiff: Shego

Prosecution: Kim Possible & Ron Stoppable w/Rufus Defense: Harvey Birdman

Shego: All rise for the most must see Judge in Middleton and in America, Dr. Drakken.

Drakken comes in wearing his usual evil scientist gear, the courtroom is in dead silence

Peter Griffin (in crowd): **_YOU SUCK!_** Drakken: Thank you- (Drakken sees KP)

Drakken: **_KIM POSSIBLE! DON'T TELL ME YOUR IN PROSECUTION? _**

Kim: I just got asked to do this court case.

Drakken: Oh, alright. But no funny business. **_THAT MEANS YOU KIM POSSIBLE!_**

(bangs his steel gavel)

Drakken: Kim Possible, you're first.

Kim (rolls her eyes, sarcasm): Oh, great… Here we go…

Ron: May I, KP? Kim: Knock yourself out…

Ron: Gladly. So this dude here is being sued for seeing pink elephants. Call me crazy but aren't we going **_WAY _**overboard with this? I mean, come on, pink-

Drakken: Okay, Stoppable, we get the freakin' point…

Harvey: Ladies, gentlemen, evil spirits and vampire women-

(Yami Bakura and Camula are in the Jury)

Harvey: -This young man is a Shaman. A uniquely gifted boy, though despite his age, can see ghosts. Is that hard to believe that a child could see a spirit? Put yourself in his shoes and set him free!

(Yami Bakura's arm wound spurts out blood and Camula starts to lick it dry)

Shego (grossed out): **_EWWW! I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK! _**Kim: That… was not needed…

Drakken: My God, man! Get a room! (Rufus just laughs at this, Ron vomits in a paper bag)

-Court-

Kim: I call Tokegero to the stand. (Tokegero is at the stand)

Kim: What you were doing on the night Yoh Asakura was arrested?

Tokegero: Getting chicken dumplings. Kim: Need I remind you that you are under oath.

(Rufus kills the lights as footage is shown in the Funbari kidnapping incident)

Kim (while filling her nails): You have a violent history, no?

Tokegero: You got it all wrong! Harvey: Objection!

Drakken: The witness will stand down. (Several angry ghost appear before him) Drakken: Pardon, float down.

The ghosts leave satisfied

Drakken: Before long, we'll need an exorcist…

-Court-

Harvey: I call King Boo to the stand. (King Boo is at the stand)

Harvey: Please tell the court what you were doing in November 2001?

King Boo: **_BLEHAHAHAHA! _**Harvey: I see…

Kim: Objection, I don't understand a word he just said.

Drakken: Overruled! (slams gavel) Kim: You can't be serious!

Shego: Want to be in the slammer for contempt of court. (Kim stays quiet) Shego: I thought so…

Harvey: And in your debut of _Luigi's Mansion _for Nintendo GameCube, were their any pink elephants?

King Boo: **_BLEHAHAHAHA! _**Harvey: Nothing further!

-Court-

Ron: So Anna, Anna, Plain Banana, tell the court about yourself?

Harvey: Objection, the prosecution is using pet names. Drakken: Overruled! (slams gavel)

Shego: You are something else Drakken.

Anna: I'm Yoh's wife. (everyone gasps. Peter Griffin starts laughing)

Shego & Kim: No… f**king… way…! Monique: Damn…

Bonnie: Oh, my god…Peanut: Wow…

Ron (towards Yoh): And you knew about this?

Yoh: Yeah, I guess…

Peter: **_NO FREAKIN' WAY! WHERE'D YOU GO? HELL'S KICTCHEN FOR YOUR HONEYMOON?_**

Pooh: I've a rumbly in my tumbly…

Drakken: Oh, what the hell? Not Guilty! (slams gavel)

Kim: The charges?

Drakken: I would have dropped them anyway! No way was I gonna help you Kim Possible!

Kim (sarcasm): Geez… Thanks a lot, Drakken…

-Sebben & Sebben Law Firm-

Harvey: Don't know how we pulled it off, but we won.

Morty: No thanks to some bias judge and bailiff…

Harvey: Still, I can't believe that you two are married…

_Ursula (from Dinosaur King) bursts in and punches Peanut in the face_

Ursula (angry): **_THAT'S FOR CALLING ME AN OLD LADY, YOU BASTARD!_**

Faarooq: Well I'll be damned…!

Everyone starts laughing

(Harvey Birdman credits)


	6. Beauty Killed the Beast

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 6

Beauty Killed the Beast

Time: 8:00 AM Date: A nice day for an Amazon

Place: Duel Academy Coliseum

Tania gets her usual Amazonian gear on but is then stopped by…

Tania: Take a step closer and you'll be sorry…

(Harvey Birdman main opening)

-Sebben & Sebben Law Firm-

Harvey (while dumping Avenger's droppings outside): No, Avenger! How many times do I have to tell you; poo goes outside not inside?

Pooh: Oh, bother… Harvey: Not you, Winnie-The-Pooh!

Peanut: Anything good going on? Harvey: Not much… My date cancelled on me…

* (intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have a client. It's a female. Harvey: Send her in.

(Swanky music plays in the background as Tania comes in. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail, but is much shorter now, she's dressed in a very short black tank top, blue denim jeans but keeps her Amazonian gear just the same.)

Peanut and Harvey blush at the sight of her…

Peanut: wow! Harvey: My God, where have you been all my life…?

Tania: Take a nice look boys, you'll get to see more if you help me with this "thorn in my ass" that I have to deal with.

Peanut: Do tell…

Tania: My ex- Harvey (pees his pants): Boyfriend?

(Tania sits on Harvey's lap and puts her arms around him)

Tania: Oh, no! My ex-husband! He's been a monster to me and no matter how much I try to get away, he comes back. Save me from this epic disaster.

Harvey: Okay… What's his name?

(Tania shows a picture of him. It's Broly)

Harvey: **_HIM OF ALL PEOPLE? _**What did he do to you? (Tears flow down her cheek)

Tania: First I rescue him from near death. I ask him to marry me! Me! I was so lonely. It's not my fault I'm an Amazon! My tribe is all women so to marry I have to shop around! But it took me 8 long months of hardships to realize that I married a monster! So I cut my long flowing hair to cut my ties with him and the next thing I know, he comes back!

Mr. Krabbs: What a drama queen… Harvey: So what do I owe the pleasure of suing him for?

Tania: Damages he did to me and my well being while married! I even want him in jail!

Harvey: Good enough for me! **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

(Mr. Krabbs plays the world's smallest violin)

-Somewhere in Duel Academy Island-

Broly is seething angry, and heartbroken

(A/N: Ever seen a heartbroken Saiyan before?)

Broly (angry): **_TAAAAAAANIAAAA!_**

(Broly screeches at the top of his lungs followed by a massive explosion. He turns into his full Legendary Super Saiyan form)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Sebben: Harvey, this young sexy Amazoness is our key to locking away the most dangerous Saiyan in history. Treat her nicely! Harvey: As to what?

Sebben: You know, take her out to dinner. Have some sex with her if you get to that. **_HA HA! _**Mattress mambo!

-Harvey's House-

Goku: Why not cook something like a centipede or a wolf? It's a lot better than that bread stuff and that bitter soup. And vegetables!

Tania: Harvey, dinner's ready! Goku: What's on the menu? Centipede? Wolf?

(Tania grabs Goku and tosses him out the door.)

Tania: Harvey and I are on a date, so buzz off!

-Court-

Judge: Plankton Bailiff: Computer W.I.F.E. Karen

Prosecution: Harvey Birdman Defense: Michael Cole

(mixed reactions are in the courtroom. signs are everywhere in the jury and crowd. One of them says: _If Broly walks free, we riot!_)

Karen: ALL RISE FOR JUDGE PLANKTON.

Plankton comes in, Karen assists him to get to his Judge's seat

Plankton: You may all be seated. This court is in session.

(bangs his Chum Bucket gavel)

Plankton: Mr. Cole you're first. And try not to make an ass outta yourself. Remember, I'm watching you at all times.

(crowd roars into boos)

Cole: May I have your attention please? My client is being **_UNFAIRLY SUED AND ARRESTED _**for allegations that happened in their 8 months of marriage. I see no reason whatsoever to-

Plankton: The defense is ordered to shut his pie hole before a riot ensues! (bangs gavel)

Cole: But I didn't even get to the bottom of- Plankton: Your gonna feel my foot up your ass if you don't shut your pie hole!

Harvey: May I Your Honor? Plankton: If you would, Mr. Birdman!

Harvey: Look at this young Amazonian woman… Does she look like she could harm a fly?

(Tania bats her eyes very seductively, the men in the crowd and Jury blush and "aww…")

Harvey: The defendant had assaulted this young woman numerous times and terrorized her for 8 months. Imagine what it would be like for your daughter, your sister, your aunt or anyone female you know to marry, Nay, even go out with a monster like him! You must lock him in a cell or something to keep him off the streets and protect not just women but humankind. I think…

-Court-

Plankton: Defense, call your first witness!

Cole: Defense calls: Future Trunks. (Future Trunks is at the stand)

Cole: Tell the court why my client Broly, should NOT be confined to a 6x9 cell!

Trunks: Why shouldn't he? He has every reason to be locked up! Someone like Broly can't be acquitted for domestic violence!

Cole: Really? You dated the prosecution's star witness who's sitting right there.

Trunks: I'll admit that, yes. But it was only briefly. I had to go back to my own time. We both have a mutual respect for one another. Tania: Something you'll never understand, Broly!

Cole: He has more respect for- Harvey: **_OBJECTION!_**

Plankton: Motion granted! The defense is ordered; **_ONCE AGAIN_**, to shut his pie hole!

-Court-

Harvey: State your name. Bastion: Bastion Misawa.

Harvey: Had one at Disney Land… Please the court in your own words, the relationship with my client.

Bastion: a brief one… Cole: **_OBJECTION!_**

Plankton: Overruled! It's so sad that she can't seem to find the right man…

(women are crying in the crowd and Jury)

Bastion: Why did you leave me, Tania? I still love you!

-Court-

Cole: What things can you say about my client?

Ms. Keane: He's a psychopathic monster who tried to rape me!

Miho: Miho no like him, he tried to hurt Miho!

Zolo: Cynical… Scratch that, he's a damned sociopath!

Meowth: He tried to kill me. I'm just a Meowth!

Beast Boy: Dude, do you even need to ask?

Fat Doxin Puppy: (barks) Plankton: Who let this wiener dog in here?

-Court-

Harvey: So it's safe to say, you're a bit needy in your relationships with men.

Tania: Can you blame an Amazon? (bats her eyes seductively again)

Cole: **_OBJECTION! _**She's using sex appeal, again!

Plankton: Overruled! And you just cost your client! I sentence Broly into being cryogenically frozen for 20000 years! **_THIS COURT IS AJOURNED! _**(bangs gavel)

-Sebben & Sebben Law Firm-

(Slipknot blares outside) Tania: My new boyfriend is here. See ya around. (Tania kisses Harvey's cheek and leaves. Goku gags at what he saw.)

Meanwhile, outside; Tania gets on a motorcycle with Dante (from Devil May Cry 3) they share a romantic kiss and ride off into the sunset

Harvey: I wanted to be with her…

Peanut: At least you got a kiss from her. There is plenty of women out there.

(Harvey Birdman Credits

_I just need a space to call my own_

_Just alone in a corner,_

_With you…_

_You see you want my everything,_

_You want somebody so bad…_)


	7. Kaiba Screwed

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 7

Kaiba Screwed

Time: 22:30 p.m. Date: Corporate Meeting

Place: Kaiba Corporation

Kaiba: So as to what I was saying in sales-

Police break down the door

Officer: Seto Kaiba, you're under arrest!

The Police slam him on to the table and cuff him

Kaiba (angry): **_WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?_**

Officer: You're under arrest for the murder of Gozoburo Kaiba! Anything you say can-

(Harvey Birdman main opening)

-Sebben & Sebben Law Firm-

Harvey is leaning towards his desk with a picture of his "dream boat Amazon" Tania. Meanwhile, Peanut is playing

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D _on his 3DS_

Harvey (sadly): When is she coming back…? Peanut: Let it go, HB. She likes Dante.

Harvey: Can't a man get a stunning knockout like her?

Peanut: Look at this way, you got a date with Miss Buxley in a week.

Harvey: But Miss Buxley is no Amazonian woman! Peanut: But she's hot and gentle. Isn't that what counts?

Harvey: I guess you're right… Peanut: Would I steer you wrong?

* (intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have a client.

Harvey: Send 'em in.

(Mokuba comes in. He's wearing his Battle City gear)

Harvey: Aw, look at this. A small child is coming to Uncle Birdman for help…

Mokuba: **_CAN IT! _**My brother's been arrested for supposedly killing our late stepfather. My brother needs your help.

Harvey: And what's your brother's name?

Mokuba: Seto. Seto Kaiba.

Harvey: **_KAIBA? _**He's owes me money!

Peanut: Lay it cool, HB. Harvey: sorry. **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

Goofy is vacuuming the office and falls through the window due to his careless roller blading through the office

Goofy: **_AAAAHOOOOHOOOHEEE!_**

**_*THUD!*_**

Harvey (to Goofy outside): I'm not getting an Ambulance, because you won't learn anything if I do.

-Prison, Cell Z, Block 20-

Kaiba wakes up in a daze.

Mokuba: Seto!

Kaiba (groggy): Mokuba? How I long have I been here?

Mokuba: Since yesterday night. The maid told me.

Kaiba: And my lawyer?

Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you at your upcoming murder trial.

Kaiba: Listen Birdman, you better win this case! And if you don't; I'll make the rest of your life miserable!

Harvey (thinking): Wonder what he means by that…

(thought bubble)

Harvey wakes up and tosses his bed sheet off to find a dead Pikachu in his bed

Harvey: _**AAAAAGGGHHHH!**_

(end thought bubble)

-Courthouse-

Kaiba's limo pulls up at the courthouse entrance. The media is taking photos

*: Are you responsible for the death of the late Gozoburo Kaiba?

Kaiba: No comment at this time.

-Court-

Judge: Hyra Mightor Bailiff: Rachel Moore

Prosecution: Harley Hartwell Defense: Harvey Birdman

Rachel: Here ye, here ye; Judge Hyra Mightor presiding.

(Mightor comes in)

Mightor: Sit down and shut yer pie holes! This court is in session!

(Slams his makeshift gavel; a really big club)

Conan/Jimmy Kudo (thinking): _A judge who uses a club for a gavel. What is this, the middle ages?_

Mightor: Mr. Hartwell, you won the coin toss so you go first.

Harley: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution is going to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Seto Montgomery Kaiba is guilty of homicide. The homicide of his stepfather Gozoburo Kaiba. Make sure you listen to the evidence and use common sense to convict him of murder.

Kaiba: Who said you could address me by my full name?

Mightor (slams his club/gavel): **_MR. BIRDMAN! WILL YOU RESTRAIN YOUR CLIENT!_**

Harvey: Easy, Kaiba. Mightor: Mr. Birdman, if you please?

Harvey: Than you, Your Honor. My client has been arrested for a crime he didn't do. How could a wealthy business man you see before you today commit a homicide of his stepfather who had taken him in in more ways than one?

Conan/Jimmy (thinking): _In more ways than one, you moron…_

Harvey: Don't you realize without Gozoburo, Seto Kaiba, the man who engineered Duel Monsters technology wouldn't be who he is today?

(crowd cheers)

Mightor: Call your first witness!

-Court-

Harley: I call Inspector Meguire to the stand.

(Meguire is at the stand)

Harley: Please tell the court the account of how Gozoburo Kaiba had died.

Meguire: Supposedly he jumped out the window. But the boys in the morgue had found that he died of a heart attack. The way I see it, somebody pushed Mr. Kaiba off the top story window.

Harley: And who would you say is The Killer?

Meguire: Seto Kaiba. (Crowd and Jury gasps)

Harley: Nothing further. You may step down.

-Court-

Harvey: I call Cheshire Cat to the stand.

(Cheshire Cat is at the stand)

Harvey: Please tell the court in your words what you were doing on the night Gozoburo Kaiba died.

Cheshire Cat: What I was? What I wasn't? Does it make a difference?

Harley: **_OBJECTION! _**The witness is speaking in riddles!

Mightor: You better start making sense!

Cheshire Cat: How does 50 stories kill a man? The answer lies within ourselves…

(Cheshire Cat vanishes without a trace)

Conan/Jimmy (thinking): That was pointless…

-Court-

Harvey: You were renting a movie on the night my client's stepfather was murdered were you not?

Serena: Yeah, so what? Harvey: What movie did you rent?

Serena: _Perfect Storm_. Harvey: And who was in that film?

Serena: George Clooney? Harvey: **_GEORGE CLOONEY!_**

(The courtroom gasps in shock)

Harley: I fail to know what this has to do with the trial?

Harvey: Next witness!

-Court-

Harley: So on the night of the murder what did you witness?

Filbert: uhhhh…. I think I saw somebody leave Kaiba Corp. building.

Harley: Do you remember anything else?

Filbert (in a fetal position): I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous.

-Court-

Mightor: Has the Jury reached a verdict?

Stimpy: We have.

(Ren slaps him)

Ren: Don't just stand dere, man! Reed it so I can geet out of here!

Stimpy: _'We the Jury find the defendant Seto Kaiba-_

(long pause)

Stimpy: -_guilty'- _(Ren slaps him again)

Ren: **_YOU EEDIOT! DAT SAYS EENOCENT! CAN'T YOU REED? YOU ALMOST SEENT EN ENNOCENT MAN TA PRISON!_**

Stimpy: Forgive me, Ren; for I know not what I do…!

Kaiba (angry): **_CUT THE THEATRICS!_**

Mightor: Court is adjourned!

-Sebben & Sebben Law Firm-

Kaiba: Be glad you won the case. Otherwise, I'd hate to think what I would have to do to you.

Harvey (thinking): Wonder what that means…?

(thought bubble)

Harvey gets up and pulls the sheets off his bed. A dead Oshawatt lays on his bed.

Harvey: **_AGGGGHHHH!_**

Oshawatt: Oshha!

(Harvey Birdman credits)


	8. Can Ya Smell What The Monk is Cookin?

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 8

Can Ya Smell What The Monk is Cookin'?

Time: 00:15 a.m. Date: The Feudal Era

Place: Some remote village in The Land of Demons

A woman is sleeping soundly.

_Miroku leaves the cottage when Police grab him and slam him against the door_

Miroku (angry): **_WHAT ARE YOU DOING!_**

Officer: Search him!

The Police search his bag. Radio chatter is heard

Officer: Know what this is? You're under arrest!

(Harvey Birdman main opening)

Peanut is watching

Cyborg 009 _on his iPod Touch. Meanwhile Harvey is looking over his case file_

Harvey: Avenger, hand me the case file: _Pac-Man vs. Q-Bert_.

(Hands him the case file)

Peanut: So how'd your date with Miss Buxley go?

Harvey: Terrible. Sarge came in and cussed me out for almost an hour.

Peanut: That old fart is still around?

Harvey: Careful, you want to get cussed out?

* (intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have clients.

Harvey: Send 'em in.

(Inu-Yasha, Kagome, Shippo, Sango and Kilala come in. Sango is sulking in the corner)

Harvey: What can I do for you?

Shippo: Our friend got arrested.

Peanut: What's with her?

Kagome: Sango's mad because Miroku got arrested for panty raiding.

Harvey: He'll be doing some hard time. **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

Inu-Yasha: Whatever! Let him rot in prison. Besides; without him, we can spend more time looking for the Sacred Jewel Shards!

Kagome (angry): **_SIT BOY!_**

_***THUD!***_

Inu-Yasha (angry): **_DAMMIT! THAT HURT!_**

Phil Ken Sebben: **_HA HA! _**Just desserts!

-Prison, Block M, Cell 14-

Harvey: Miroku the Monk?

Miroku: Yes? That be me.

Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you in court.

Sango: Maybe I should just leave you in here!

Miroku: Why do that? Sango: **_BECAUSE YOU WON'T STOP WOMANIZING!_**

Patrick Star: **_HEY! _**If you are gonna argue, take it outside!

-Court-

Judge: Maximillion Pegasus Bailiff: Croquet

Prosecution: Jorgen Von Strangle Defense: Harvey Birdman

Croquet: All rise! Please give a warm welcome to the owner of Industrial Illusions and the creator of Duel Monsters; Judge Maximillion Pegasus.

(Pegasus comes in. The Toons in the Jury cheer loudly)

Pegasus: Thank you everyone. You may all be seated. Welcome back to my courtroom Harvey-Boy. Oh, who's this big fellow?

Jorgen: It is I, Jorgen Von Strangle. The Toughest Fairy in Da Universe!

Pegasus: Toughest fairy? You look like you just came back from the army. Anyway, court is session!

(A Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon turns into a gavel and Pegasus bangs the gavel)

Pegasus: Jorgen-Boy, you get the honors.

Jorgen: Ladies, gentlemen and puny fairies in da courtroom; the defendant who is on trial today is being arrested for stealing women's unmentionables! Would you want this puny human running around stealing your clothes and undergarments?

(Jorgen starts lifting weights as Cosmo spots him)

Jorgen: I think not!

Pegasus: Very informative with a bit of muscle to go by. Harvey-Boy care to rebuttal?

Harvey: Isn't it strange that a young man like Miroku is being arrested for "supposedly" stealing women's underwear? **_THIS IS PROFILING! _**That bag of women's underwear could have been dirty laundry that my client could have went to pick up from the woman's cottage he was caught leaving in-

Pegasus (sarcasm): Very interesting, Harvey… Care to explain more?

Harvey: I sense sarcasm.

Pegasus (as Jimmy Fallon): You are correct, sir!

-Court-

Jorgen: State yer name da courtroom, puny human half-breed!

Shippo: Shippo.

Jorgen: Have you or have you not been involved in an undergarment smuggling scheme!

Shippo: No, that was Miroku. Jorgen: Are you sure about dat, puny half-breed?

Shippo: I never did anything wrong!

Jorgen: **_NOTHING FURTHER!_**

-Court-

Harvey: I call Myoga the Flea to the stand!

(Myoga is at the stand)

Harvey: now, uhhhh… Myoga: Myoga.

Harvey: Suck at that game system. What were you doing on the night my client was arrested?

Myoga: I was lost in the woods. It's a funny story by the way-

Jorgen: **_OBJECTION! _**Witness is boring da courtroom!

Pegasus: Overruled! The courtroom could care less about Myoga's worthless story. That is: if I were to do it for you?

(Toon World shows up and a badly drawn version of Myoga the Flea is running from Taz from The Looney Tunes)

Pegasus: (laughs hysterically) You have to admit, this brings out the extra drama.

Myoga (angry): **_THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED-_**

Harvey: Nothing further.

-Court-

Jorgen: I call da puny human Edward Elric to da stand!

Ed (angry): **_WHO YOU CALLIN' LITTLE?_**

Ed Elric is at the stand

Jorgen: What were you doing on da night of the crime?

Ed: I was at the SCAW 4 Year Anniversary Click-Per-View.

Jorgen: Can anyone vouch dat story fer you?

Ed: My teammates, Ichigo Kurosaki, Yusuke Urameshi and Kuwabara.

Harvey: Objection! The witness is too small for that seat.

Ed (angry): **_DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE, BIRDMAN!_**

Pegasus: Motion granted. The witness must get himself a booster seat so we can see him better.

Ed (angry): **_SHUT UP! I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS CRAP FROM YOU!_**

-Court-

Jorgen: State yer name to da courtroom!

Android 18: 18.

Jorgen: I said: "State yer name" puny human!

Android 18: That is my name. My father was an idiot.

Jorgen: Have you seen da defendant stealing women's clothes and unmentionables on a constant basis since being on da reality show _All Anime will go to Hell_?

Android 18: He stole mine and every other girls' on the set, so do me a favor and lock his ass up… Can I go now, I have one day off from the set and I have to testify in court?

Pegasus: What do you say, Toons?

Toon Summoned Skulls (together in unison): **_GUILTY!_**

Pegasus: Then I sentence him to be grilled!

Toon Cannon Solider: I want to fry him! Toon Alligator: I wanna grill him!

Toon Summoned Skulls and Toon Mermaids: **_FRY HIM!_**

Blue Eyes Toon Dragons and Toon Goblin Force: **_GRILL HIM!_**

Toon Summoned Skulls and Toon Mermaids: **_FRY HIM!_**

Blue Eyes Toon Dragons and Toon Goblin Force: **_GRILL HIM!_**

Toon Summoned Skulls and Toon Mermaids: **_FRY HIM!_**

Blue Eyes Toon Dragons and Toon Goblin Force: **_GRILL HIM!_**

Manga Ryu-Ran: Why don't we just bake him?

(The Toon Jury glare at each other)

The Toon Jury cheer in excitement!

-Sebben & Sebben Law Firm-

Harvey: Inu-Yasha, have you seen Pooh Bear?

Inu-Yasha: Look no further.

(Pooh comes in with a wheelbarrow full of hunny jars)

Pooh: I'm going to protect my hunnyful assets!

Inu-Yasha tries to snatch a jar of hunny

Kagome: Sit boy!

**_*THUD!*_**

Inu-Yasha: How'd you know?

Harvey: Silly Inu-Yasha, Hunny is for Pooh Bears…!

(everyone laughs)

(Harvey Birdman credits)


	9. Bad Fruits and Vegeta

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 9

Bad Fruits and Vegeta

Time: 16:30 p.m. Date: Football Season

Place: Pittsburgh, PA in Heinz Field

* (commentary): So here we go with the snap.

(tackles and pained grunts are heard as the crowd boos and the ref blows the whistle)

Referee: Penalty. Crossing the line of scrimmage. Pittsburgh # 86; 20 yard penalty.

(crowd boos)

Vegeta (angry): **_WHAT? YOU BETTER GET THAT DAMNED REFEREE OUTTA THERE BEFORE I COME DOWN THERE AND KILL HIM MYSELF!_**

Referee: The penalty is accepted. Vegeta (angry): **_THAT DOES IT!_**

Vegeta teleports down on the field and beats the referee up. The police come and slam Vegeta to the wall

Officer: You're under arrest!

Vegeta (angry): **_DON'T ARREST ME YOU NIMROD! I'M GOING TO BLAST THAT DAMNED REFEREE TO OBLIVION!_**

Officer: Cuff him.

The officers cuff him and drag him out of the arena

Vegeta (angrier): **_YOU CAN''T ARREST ME! I AM VEGETA; THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS!_**

Officer: Tell it to the judge…

the officers toss him in the cruiser and haul him off to jail. You can still hear Vegeta swearing and yelling

(Harvey Birdman opening)

-Sebben & Sebben Law Firm-

Harvey pulls out some case files and seems to be missing one

Harvey: 1, 2, 3, 4- Peanut I'm missing one of my case files, have you seen it?

Peanut is playing

Angry Birds _on his iPhone_

Peanut: Which one? Harvey: _Cookie Monster v. Keebler, Inc._?

Peanut: I think Cosmo was looking at it…

(toilet flushes)

The door opens and Cosmo floats in

Cosmo: Ahh… Nothing like something to read while taking a crap in the toilet!

Harvey: That's my missing case file! And you got crap stains on it!

Cosmo: Sorry about that. But still, you're suing Cookie Monster for "supposedly attacking" the Keebler Tree?

Harvey: That's none of your business!

* (on intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have a client.

Harvey: Send 'em in.

Future Trunks comes in

Harvey: What can I do for ya?

Trunks: My dad's in jail… **_AGAIN! _**Feel like taking his case?

Harvey: Depends? What's he in for?

Trunks: Failing Anger Management for the 40th time in a row.

Peanut: Oh, boy… Looks like you got your hands full HB.

Harvey: **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

-Prison, Block Z, Cell 1-

Harvey and Trunks walk through the hallway and the response is not good

Frieza (irate): **_JUST YOU WAIT 'TIL I GET OUT! I'LL BLOW YOU TO SMITHEREENS, BIRDMAN!_**

Heat Miser (angry): **_I'M GONNA FRY YOU A NEW ONE WHEN I GET OUT BIRDMAN!_**

Trunks: Wow… Not much has changed here in prison… Harvey: I've heard worse…

Vegeta: About damn time you got here, Harvey! Another second late and I would have killed you…

Harvey: You failed Anger Management again, didn't you?

Vegeta (angry): **_SHUT UP! IT WAS THAT DAMNED REFEREE'S FAULT I'M STUCK IN THIS GODFORSAKEN BRIG!_**

Trunks (quietly to Harvey): He went to a Pittsburgh Steelers game with the rest of Anger Management group.

Harvey: I see…

-Court-

Judge: Dr. Drakken Bailiff: Shego

Prosecution: Kim Possible, Ron Stoppable w/ Rufus Defense: Harvey Birdman

Shego: All rise for the most must see and kick ass judge in Middleton and in America, Judge Drakken.

(Dr. Drakken comes in wearing his usual evil scientist gear. He doesn't get much of a reaction)

Drakken: I'm gonna enjoy this one-

(sees KP)

Drakken (shocked): **_KIM POSSIBLE? YOU AGAIN?_**

Kim: Blame the system, Drakken.

Drakken: Alright, fine… But no cheap shots, no dirty jokes and no funny stuff! Wait, scratch that, maybe **_SOME_** funny stuff. Anyway, court is in session!

(slams his steel gavel)

Drakken: Kim Possible, you're first.

Ron: May I KP? Kim: I'll handle this one, first.

Kim: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is our job today to make sure that one Vegeta is found guilty and not **_SCREWED OUT OF A PRISON SENTENCE (DRAKKEN)_**; that he so rightfully deserves… I mean, assaulting a referee-

Drakken (sarcastic): Thank you Kim Possible, I think we get the picture.

Kim: Oh, shut up Drakken…

Shego: You might wanna watch yourself, I'd hate to have you thrown out for Contempt of Court.

Harvey: May I, Your Honor?

Drakken: Yes, Harvey! It's better than listening to Kim Possible's drabble.

Harvey: Ladies, Gentlemen and Saiyan Warriors of the courtroom-

(Bardock is in the jury and is the foreman)

Harvey: We've all gotten angry at some point. Why even the most successful shows on TV or on video games have portrayed anger; _The Angry Beavers_, _Angry Birds_, _Anger Management_, _Dragon Ball Z_, _Yu Yu Hakusho_, _Ren & Stimpy_; and yet the government does not tell them to take Anger Management. Which leads us to this question. What gives the government the right to incarcerate those with vicious anger issues when they've done everything in their power to try to hold it in? That is for you the jury to make the easiest decision in your entire lives!

-Court-

Ron: I call Grumpy to the stand.

(Grumpy from Snow White & the 7 Dwarves is at the stand)

Ron: So why were you in Anger Management?

Grumpy (angry): **_'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS GRUMPY!_**

You can hear an car horn blare as Grumpy yells

-Court-

Harvey: I call Sakura Haruno to the stand.

(Sakura is at the stand)

Harvey: State your name to the courtroom, for the record?

Sakura: Sakura.

Harvey: Ate some on New Years… Please tell the court in your own words, when was the last time you got angry.

Sakura: Last week when Naruto grabbed my ass.

Harvey: Need I remind you that you are under oath?

(Avenger kills the lights as footage from Sakura's previous missions shows)

Harvey: You were beating Naruto up a lot weren't you…

Sakura: 'Cause Naruto deserved it!

Harvey: Weren't one of the rules in Anger Management and I quote-

_Michael Cole glares at Harvey viciously_

Harvey: "Talk about feelings and work out your differences as a community?"

Sakura: I get better results with my fists!

Kim: **_OBJECTION! _**The witness is getting belligerent.

Sakura (angry, gives the low blow salute): **_F**K YOU, KP!_**

Drakken: Motion denied! The witness is granted full permission to yell at Kim Possible at all times!

-Court-

Harvey: Please tell the court in your own words, the relationship that you have with my client.

Bulma: I am a happily unmarried woman to Vegeta.

Vegeta: **_YOU DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE, WOMAN!_**

Kim: **_OBJECTION-_**

Drakken: **_OVERRULED!_**

(slams his steel gavel)

Harvey: So it's safe to say that Vegeta is your only companion in life.

Bulma: Yeah, I guess so…

Harvey: Need I remind you that you are under oath?

Bulma (annoyed): **_WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT!_**

Harvey: I have here, some of the Hentai that you had taken part in or starred in. Not to mention your cover of _Playboy_ magazine.

Bulma (angry): **_SCREW YOU, BIRDMAN! I WAS YOUNG AND I NEED THE MONEY AFTER I HAD TRUNKS!_**

Drakken: I've heard enough… Not guilty!

(Slams his steel gavel)

Kim (sarcastically): Thanks a lot, Drakken…

-Sebben & Sebben Law Firm-

Harvey: Well Vegeta, looks like your off the hook again.

Vegeta: I'm starting to like having Drakken as the Judge…! Consider this a fair warning, Harvey; I'm opening my own Law Firm and I'll be tearing the courtroom up one by one and soon you'll have to sign your law firm to me!

(Vegeta laughs manically)

Harvey: Good luck with that…

Cosmo (scratches his butt): Well, alls well that ends well!

(Piplup walks in)

Cosmo: Wonder what this button does?

(presses it and Piplup falls into a trap door)

Cosmo: Sorry…

_Everyone laughs_

(Harvey Birdman credits)


	10. Luffy Goes Wild!

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 10

Luffy Goes Wild!

Time: 12:00 pm Date: High Tide Day

Place: Quahog, Rhode Island

Nami, Zolo, Sanji and Usopp are shopping in town. Meanwhile, Luffy and Peter Griffin are joyriding and plundering from fast food joints

Peter: Where to next?

Luffy: We get chicken!

Meanwhile…

Nami: Has anyone seen Luffy?

Usopp: Don't ask me. I thought you were watching him.

Sanji: I dought you was watchin' Luffy!

They see Luffy and Peter speeding into a KFC joint and all you can hear is fighting

Zolo (angry): **_DAMMIT LUFFY! WHY CAN'T YOU STAY OUTTA TROUBLE!_**

The police come no sooner and arrest them and drag them out

Joe Swanson: Peter, I can't say I'm shocked…

Peter: Come on, Joe! We were Pirates once!

Luffy: Cut us a break! I'm hungry!

Joe Swanson (angry): **_BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!_**

(Harvey Birdman opening)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Harvey starts playing

Hearts_ on his computer as Avenger and Peanut are watching _Heavy Metal _on Peanut's PSP_

Harvey: Avenger, I need you to help me win at _Hearts_.

(Avenger just glares at Harvey)

* (on intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have some clients.

Harvey: Send 'em in.

Zolo, Nami, Sanji and Usopp come in. Peanut makes suggestive cat calls to Nami; but she smacks Peanut

Harvey: What can I do for you?

Zolo: It's Luffy…

Nami: Luffy got himself arrested while we went out to get supplies for our ship.

Harvey: So what are you, NAVY?

Sanji: We're frickin' pirates ya jack wagon prick!

Usopp: **_SANJI!_**

Harvey: What did Luffy do?

Nami: Stealing food from fast food joints with his friend, Peter Griffin.

Harvey: He'll be doing some hard time. **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

-Prison, Block A, Cell 3-

Harvey: Luffy? Monkey D. Luffy?

Luffy: Did you bring food?

Harvey: No. Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law; I'll be representing you in court.

Luffy: We're going out to eat?

Zolo: **_NOT THAT COURT YOU NIMROD!_**

Nami: You'll be going on trial, Luffy.

(Sanji is hitting on Officer Jenny. She sidekicks Sanji in the face and knocks him out)

Usopp: When will you learn Sanji?

Peter: Hey, what the hell? don't I get out?

Harvey: yes, I'll be representing you in court Peter. Your wife insisted on it.

(Cue cutaway)

Peter is sitting in a lawyer's office and he farts.

Peter: Sorry, I didn't have a chance to poop.

(End cutaway)

-Court-

Judge: Plankton Bailiff: Computer W.I.F.E. Karen

Prosecution: Mr. Krabbs Defense: Harvey Birdman

Karen: ALL RISE FOR JUDGE PLANKTON!

(Plankton comes in, Karen assists him into his Judge's Chair)

Plankton: Thank you, you may all be seated! This court is in session!

(bangs his Chum Bucket gavel)

Plankton finally notices his arch-rival is in the Prosecution

Plankton: **_KRABBS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?_**

Mr. Krabbs: Me? I'm in the Prosecution! You can't dismiss this here trial!

Plankton: You're right, Krabbs! I can't do that; there'd be no point in it. I guess I have some time to hear you drabble.

Mr. Krabbs: Thank you, Plankton…

(Mr. Krabbs scuttles his feet over to the jury)

Mr. Krabbs: Ladies and gents of the jury. It is my job today, (other than serving delicious Krabby Patties; at $1.99 each) to prove once and for all that these here young men are guilty of piracy! Thieves need to be locked up forever and strung up their gills and force to breathe air!

Plankton: wow… I'm surprised you think that way, Krabbs.

Harvey: May I, Your Honor?

Plankton: If you must, Harvey!

(The jury glare at Peter and Luffy with a vicious look)

Harvey: Peter the Pirate and Monkey D. Luffy are in fact pirates; it's their job to steal from others and plunder the world's finest riches and gold. So tell me why, **_THE GOVERNMENT IN WHICH YOU CREATED_** should in fact, not offer the American Dream to Pirates that have made it their sworn duty to do as they please and take what they want from others-

Plankton (sarcastically): **_OH, SURE; NOW _**you the Jury right where you want them, Birdman…

Harvey: Why thank you-

Plankton: Have you ever heard of the term "sarcasm"? **_BOOM! _**You just got served; **_BIG TIME!_**

Luffy: So where's the food at?

Plankton (evilly): **_THERE IS NO FOOD YOU BUMBLING NITWIT!_**

(laughs evilly as Plankton bangs Chum Bucket gavel)

-Court-

Harvey: State your name to the court, for the record?

CM Punk: CM Punk.

Harvey: Never watched History Channel… Please tell the court in your own words why you believe that my clients should not be arrested and detained?

CM Punk: Because… They're stupid…? No scratch that; those two are complete morons.

Peter: What the hell? You gave me tickets to SummerSlam just so Meg would get your autograph!

Meg: **_DAD! I LIKE JOHN CENA! _**Not some arrogant piece of trash!

Cena (from the Jury): **_FOR ONCE; SOMEBODY AGREES WITH ME!_**

Stewie: **_SHUT UP, CENA!_**

-Court-

Mr. Krabbs: And did it ever occur to you that these two boys-

(scuttles over to Birdman's table)

Mr. Krabbs: **_YEAH; THAT'S RIGHT! I SAID: "BOYS!"_**

(scuttles back to the stand)

Mr. Krabbs: -That their appetite could be the downfall of the Straw Hat Crew; _**EDWARD ELRIC**_ (if that is your real name?)

Ed: Yeah, let go with that…

Mr. Krabbs: Prosecution rests! May I offer you a delicious Jr. Krabby Patty?

Ed (aggravated): What do you mean, Jr. Krabby Patty?

Mr. Krabbs: Well, you're so small and small boys have small stomachs so in other words-

(meanwhile; Ed is boiling mad and has that angry like he does in _FullMetal Alchemist_)

Ed (angry, tosses a table out the window): **_I'M NOT LITTLE! EVERYBODY IS JUST FREAKISHLY TALL! YOU HEAR ME YOU CHEAP CRUSTACEAN?_**

Harvey: Objection-

Plankton: Way ahead of you Birdman; the witness is ordered to get himself a Jr. Krabby Patty and eat it in a booster seat…

-Court-

Plankton: Has the jury reached a verdict?

Turtle: We have Your Honor…

Plankton: Then hurry it up; I got to steal the secret formula in about 5 minutes…

Turtle: _"We the jury have found the defendants, Guilty of being hungry…" _This even shocks me a bit…

Mr. Krabbs: _**HA! IN YER FACE PLANKTON!**_

Plankton: Ah, whatever; I would have said, Not Guilty anyway… This court is adjourned-

Mr. Krabbs: Free Krabby Patties for everyone!

(Courtroom cheers, except CM Punk)

-Sebben & Sebben-

(everyone is enjoying their Krabby Patty)

Harvey: Shouldn't you be going after Plankton about now?

Mr. Krabbs: No way! And by the time Plankton figures out where me secret recipe is; it'll already be too late…

Harvey: So where would you hide it?

Mr. Krabbs: I'd tell ya, but I'd have to kill ya!

Cena: It's in the Mushroom Kingdom, under Mario's mattress…

(Mr. Krabbs gasps in shock)

Mr. Krabbs (horrified as he scuttles back to the Warp Zone): **_CUUUUUUURSE YOOOOOOUU CEEEEENNNNNAAAAAAAAAA!_**

_Faarooq: Well I'll be damned…_

_Everyone laughs_

(Goofy falls out the open window)

Goofy: (yodels)

**_*THUD!*_**

_Everyone laughs harder_

(Harvey Birdman credits)


	11. PokeTrial of the 24th in a Half Century

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 11

Poke-Trial of the 24th in a Half Century

Time: 11:30 am Date: The Big Conference

Place: Pallet Town, Kanto

A big LIVE conference is being televised on Professor Oak's theory of Pokemon Evolution

Professor Oak: -There are more than 500 some species of Pokemon; most of them evolve but some do not-

The Police break down the door, you can even hear the squad car's siren

Officer: **_POLICE! FREEZE!_**

Officers slam Professor Oak onto the table and cuff him

Professor Oak: **_WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?_**

Inspector Meguire: You've really done it this time, Sam! You're under arrest!

Professor Oak: On what charges, Mark?

Inspector Meguire: Teaching Pokemon Evolution! You of all people should know it's illegal!

(Harvey Birdman opening)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Harvey is going over an unusual case file that he had recently gotten

Harvey: Damn it! I need to know why the Angry Birds are so angry! It's vital to my case!

Peanut: The Pigs stole their eggs.

Harvey: How did you know that?

Peanut: Avenger told me.

(Avenger is plotting with the Angry Birds flock)

Harvey: Don't do something you'll regret Avenger.

* (on intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have a client; a Professor Juniper.

Harvey: Send her in.

(Professor Juniper comes in. Peanut tries to sweet talk her, but Snivy uses Vine Whip on Peanut)

Harvey: What can I do for you?

Prof. Juniper: It's Professor Oak, he's been arrested.

Harvey: So what did her do?

Prof. Juniper: He was arrested for his LIVE conference on Pokemon Evolution.

Peanut (sarcasm): That's just what we need, another trial on evolution…

Harvey: He's looking at Life in Prison… **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

(Oshawatt bursts through the door via Aqua Jet)

-Prison, Block XY, Cell 1-

Harvey: Professor Oak?

Prof. Oak: Yes, that would be me.

Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you in court. Your friend, Amy Juniper insisted on it.

Prof. Oak: I know I'm looking at life behind bars if I lose, but I want you to help me win my freedom. It's been proven that Pokemon evolve. But the bastards in the church and the Vatican are trying to censor that theory.

Harvey: The bastards! By any chance are you dating Prof. Juniper? I could use some tips on dating…

-Phil's Office-

(Pokemon Trainers are gathered around with concerned looks in their faces. Even Gym Leaders, and the current Unova Champion Alder is concerned)

Phil: Harvey, if you botch this case; Pokemon Trainers, Gym Leaders and even the Elite 4 will be out of business! Even those cutesy Pokemon Contests with the pushy trainers won't even be allowed to compete! We'd all be screwed! You hear me, Birdman, **_SCREWED!_**

Harvey: Who's the Prosecution got?

Phil: Paul Heyman.

Harvey: **_PAUL HEYMAN? OF ALL PEOPLE?_**

Phil: That's why all these Trainers, Gym Leaders and Coordinators are in my office. They don't want to have to give up their Pokemon. Paul Heyman has **_NEVER LOST A CASE IN 14 YEARS!_** Be careful Harvey, Heyman is **_VERY CRAFTY!_**

-The day of the Trial-

_Line in the Sand (instrumental version) is heard as Harvey, Peanut and Professor Oak (all dressed in black tuxedos) are in the helicopter. They land on top of the Courthouse and head to the courtroom_

-Court-

Judge: King Yemma Bailiff: Ms. Bellum

Prosecution: Paul Heyman Defense: Harvey Birdman

Ms. Bellum: All rise. Court is now in session. King Yemma is presiding.

(Thunderous footsteps are heard as King Yemma comes in. The Oversized Table is brought in by Kid Goku, then leaves while munching on steak on a stick)

Yemma: You may all be seated. This court is session!

(Slams his oversized gavel)

Yemma: And Mr. Heyman, I'll be watching you! I know everything about you! Mr. Heyman if you would?

(The crowd and jury boo loudly)

Heyman: That's right! When Paul Heyman talks, everybody listens! Now then; the defendant, Professor Samuel Oak has been arrested for teaching Pokemon Evolution. Everyone knows that evolution **_DOES NOT EXIST-_**

Yemma (sarcasm): Thank you Mr. Heyman; that was as boring as it came…

Heyman: I am not boring!

Ms. Bellum: I beg to differ…

Yemma: Mr. Birdman, your testimony if you please?

Harvey: My client has been arrested for teaching the basis of all Pokemon Trainers, **_EVOLUTION! _**How is it that there are more than 500 plus known species of Pokemon if they don't evolve? The Government, the churches and the Vatican is trying to censor this well known fact that Pokemon do evolve so that the second Spanish Inquisition would soon once again dominate the rest of the world! Why even Trainers, Coordinators, the Gym Leaders and the Elite 4 would be forced to abandon their Pokemon; their best friends, if you the jury convict my client! Do you want to take that chance? I-don't-think-so!

-Court-

Heyman: State your name for the court.

Misty: Misty.

Heyman: And what do you do for a living?

Misty: I'm a Water Pokemon Gym Leader.

Heyman: So you continue to use blasphemy in the sacred courtroom?

Misty: Pardon me?

Heyman: You heard me! In this court room, we don't use the term **_EVOLUTION!_**

Yemma (angry, banging his gavel): **_MR. HEYMAN; YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF!_**

Heyman (angry): **_WHY DON'T YOU CAN IT AND LET PAUL HEYMAN SPEAK!_**

Harvey: **_OBJECTION!_**

Yemma: Motion granted, the witness may stand down.

(Misty leaves crying)

Yemma: One more outburst Heyman and you'll be sorry!

-Court-

Harvey: Professor Oak, when you we're arrested for teaching Pokemon Evolution what was going through your mind?

Prof. Oak: Betrayal.

Harvey: As to who betrayed you?

Prof. Oak: The science committee. I have an idea as to who had me arrested.

Harvey: That being?

Heyman: **_OB-F'N-JECTION!_**

Yemma: Sustained! The witness may speak.

(bangs gavel)

Prof. Oak: Paul Heyman is the only one who stood everything to lose if the conference went off without a hitch.

_Courtroom gasps_

Yemma: Please explain yourself!

Heyman: **_OBJECTION! THIS IS ALL HERESAY!_**

Yemma (bangs his gavel): You better make this count Birdman! Or I'll have to rule in favor of Mr. Heyman.

Harvey: The witness may step down. Professor Amy Juniper to the stand.

_Professor Juniper is at the stand_

Harvey: What exactly did Paul Heyman have to lose if Prof. Oak's conference went as planned?

Prof. Juniper: Heyman's Law. It would have forced all Pokemon Trainers to relinquish their Pokemon and abandon them.

Kid Goku (in the crowd): Bully…

Heyman (angry, to Goku): **_NOBODY ASKED YOU!_**

-Court-

Harvey: What you see is a normal everyday Poke Ball. I am going to show you and prove once and for all that Pokemon do evolve. With this Pokemon…

Yemma (angry, banging gavel): **_MR. BIRDMAN, YOU BETTER A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR THIS!_**

Harvey: We do Your Honor. C'mon out Eevee.

(Eevee comes out. The courtroom admires it's cute and cuddliness)

Paul Heyman roars into laughter

Heyman (sarcastically): Good frickin' luck trying to prove your point!

Harvey: Eevee has several evolutions depending on the condition. As you can see, I have with me a Flareon, a Vaporeon, an Unbreon, a Glaiceon, an Espeon, a Leafeon and a thunder stone. You are about to witness an evolution with this thunder stone.

Harvey touches Eevee with the thunder stone. Nothing happens…

Harvey: Give it a minute…

(several seconds go by)

Harvey: If it may please the court, I'd like to play some country music on this jam box.

(Harvey plays Jimmy Wang Yang's WWE entrance music)

-Court-

Yemma: Has the jury reached a verdict?

_A bright flashing light appears. When it dies down, Jolteon is standing where Eevee was_.

Yemma: What just happened?

Harvey: I told you Pokemon evolve.

Heyman (angry): **_NOOOOOOOOO! NO GODDAMN YOU!_**

Yemma: I have seen and heard enough. God bless my crusty heart; in all my years of Judgments in Other World and my years in Harvard Law School I have never seen a Pokemon Evolution as long, yet a magnificent as this Eevee's. Therefore; Professor Oak is free to continue to teach Pokemon Evolution and is free to go!

(bangs gavel. the courtroom cheers as _3 Cheers for the Red White and Blue _is played by George W. Bush's Presidential band)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Harvey: Well, it looks we dodged a very big bullet!

Prof. Oak: Whew… I'd hate to think what would have happened if Paul Heyman got his way…

Meg Griffin: Has anyone seen my Eevee?

(Jolteon comes up to Meg. Meg soon figures it out)

Meg (angry): _**YOU BASTARD! YOU EVOLVED MY EEVEE!**_

_Meg leaves wailing_

Stewie: She needs to get laid, big time…

_Everyone laughs_

(The Angry Birds press the trap door switch and Piplup falls through it again)

_Everyone laughs harder_

(Harvey Birdman credits)


	12. Another 12 Angry Women

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 12

Another 12 Angry Women

Time: 10:30 a.m. Date: The Big Presentation Day

Place: South Park Elementary

(Cartman is rudely laughing)

Wendy: Mr. Garrison, make him stop!

Mr. Garrison (dryly): Eric, for God's sake…

Cartman: Killer boobs… (laughs)

Wendy (angry): **_BREAST CANCER IS NOT FUNNY!_**

_The police break down the door as well as a police car breaks through the classroom. __Officer Jenny slams Cartman on her cruiser and cuff him_

Cartman (angry): **_'EY! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?_**

Officer Jenny: You think breast caner is funny, smartass? You have the right to remain silent-

Officer Barbrady: You kids go on home, there's nothing to see here!

Kyle: We're in school…

Officer Barbrady: oh… Well you kids have a good day then…

(Harvey Birdman opening)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Harvey (on phone): -And you want me to have Jonny 2x4 and Plank released from prison? He'll have his pending in about 7 days…

(hangs up phone)

Peanut: Jorgen von Strangle want Jonny 2x4 out of jail?

Harvey: Worse, he wants him in a Maximum Security prison. Apparently the guards are scared of him…

Peanut: What could that A.D.D. nutcase do to scare the prison guards…?

Harvey: Don't ask, it's bad.

* (on intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have some clients.

Harvey: Send them in.

_Wendy and BeBe come in_

Harvey: Aww… Look Peanut, it looks like these kids are coming to Uncle Birdman for help…

Wendy: _**SHUT UP!**_ We want to keep Eric freakin' Cartman in jail!

Harvey: So what did he do this time?

BeBe: Making fun of breast cancer!

Harvey (angry): **_THAT'S TERRIBLE! HOW CAN SOMEONE HIS AGE DISRESPECT THE PINK RIBBON! HIS ACTIONS WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED! I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

_Goofy comes in vacuuming the floor and Avenger and the Angry Birds flock push him out the window_

Goofy: **_!_**

*THUD!*

(The Angry Birds snicker mischievously)

Harvey: Peanut, get an ambulance…

-South Park Elementary-

Harvey: Miss… Uh…

Principle Victoria: Principle Victoria.

Harvey: How many times does Cartman get in trouble on a weekly basis?

Principle Victoria: Want to see his record?

(Show him Cartman's school record)

-Court-

Judge: Mr. Anderson Bailiff: Alphonse Elric

Prosecution: Harvey Birdman Defense: Franzika von Karma

Al: All rise… The judge will be announcing himself…

(The door busts open, the lights go out and the spotlight comes on and it's Mr. Anderson. The mic drops down)

Mr. Anderson: **_ALL RISE! _**First off, are their any assholes in this courtroom?

_Half the courtroom applauds_

Mr. Anderson: **_LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ASSHOLES AND… _**Cartman… **_FROM GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN, HIS JUDGE, JURY AND QUITE POSSIBLY HIS EXCE-FREAKIN'-CUTIONER! JUDGE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSTTEEEERRRR ANNNNNNDDEEERRRSOOON!_**_ **!**_

Stan (face palms himself): Jesus Christ, not this guy…

_The lights in the courtroom go back on as Mr. Anderson makes his way to the Judge's desk._

Mr. Anderson: This court is in session…

(bangs his camo-print gavel)

Mr. Anderson: This angry asshole can go first…

Franzika: **_I HAVE A NAME!_**

Mr. Anderson: And that is?

Franzika: Franzika von Karma!

Mr. Anderson: Then go ahead, **_FRANZIKA!_**

Franzika: My client is innocent. Just because used his "colorful" First Amendment rights, doesn't mean he should be arrested.

Cartman: That's what I said.

(she whips Cartman)

Cartman: **_'EY! WHAT I DO!_**

Franzika: Speaking out! Besides, if I whip His Honor, then I'd be in trouble…

Mr. Anderson: **_YOU DAMN RIGHT!_** Harvey, if you would please, **_GRACE US WITH YOUR TESTIMONY…_**

Harvey: Ladies and gentlemen-

(12 angry women in the jury glare at Birdman. One of them being Nurse Joy that is living in South Park)

Harvey: Pardon, ladies of the jury; my client has been arrested for disrespecting the pink ribbon. The pink ribbon campaign that would one day find a cure for breast cancer, one of the worst possible ways for women to die! Why even the worst is yet to come… I personally guarantee you that if you do not convict Eric Cartman, all those women who've died for this cause will be in vain!

-Court-

Harvey: State your name for the court, if you would…

Wendy: Wendy Testaberger.

Harvey: Ate there earlier… Please tell the court in your own words why Cartman had made fun of breast cancer…

Wendy: Because he thinks it's funny!

_Courtroom gasps_

Mr. Anderson: That's really pathetic…

Cartman: **_'EY!_**

Harvey: Nothing further!

-Court-

Franzika: Mr. Garrison, how long were you-

(blushes a bit)

Franzika: It's too embarrassing for me to even ask…

Mr. Garrison (angry): **_YOU THINK I'M GAY? I AM NOT GAY!_**

Franzika: **_I WASN'T GONNA SAY THAT!_**

Mr. Garrison (angry): **_YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND DIE!_**

(Mr. Garrison blubbers and runs out of the courtroom)

Mr. Anderson: That was uneventful…

The jury is not amused by that

-Court-

Harvey: Kyle, can you tell the court where you were on the morning the defendant was arrested.

Kyle: In class.

Harvey: Need I remind you that you are under oath?

(Avenger kills the lights as footage from when Ike was kidnapped by 'visitors')

Harvey: You were trying to find your baby brother when he was kidnapped by 'visitors' were you not?

Kyle: Yeah, so what?

Harvey: So what's to stop these jurors from thinking you think breast cancer is funny?

Kyle (angry): **_BREAST CANCER IS NOT FUNNY!_**

Mr. Anderson: I'm glad **_SOMEONE_** agrees with you.

Kenny: (muffled) (laughs)

Franzika: **_YOU SON OF A BITCH!_**

(whips Kenny in the head and it beheads him)

Joey Styles: **_OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!_**

Kyle: **_YOU BASTARD!_**

Mr. Anderson: Court adjourned…?

(gavel bangs)

-Harvey's House-

(Harvey opens the door and something smells good)

Harvey: What's that smell?

_Harvey goes into the kitchen and the Angry Birds are roasting Mandy (from Totally Spies) via rotisserie fire pit_

Mandy (angry, yet fearful): **_GET ME OUT OF HERE!_**

(the Angry Birds are snickering mischievously. A round fat red one kicks her in the shin and a yellow triangle shaped one stuffs an apple in her mouth)

_Harvey screams in horror, waking up in bed. It's 4:30 in the morning_

Harvey: Thank God it was just a nightmare…

-Court-

Mr. Anderson: Has the jury reached a freakin' verdict?

Clover (from Totally Spies) stands up

Clover: You better believe we have Your Honorable Assholieness…

Sam: **_CLOVER!_**

Clover: _"We the Jury find Eric Cartman, **GUILTY OF ALL CHARGES!**"_

Cartman: **_'EY! WHAT THE HELL!_**

Wendy: Serves you right!

Mr. Anderson: You're free to go…

Jurors: **_WHAT?_**

Mr. Anderson: **_I'M AN ASSHOLE! GET USED TO IT!_**

Cartman points and laughs at them

Cartman (singsong like): **_AH HA HAH AH HA! I WIN! YOU LOSE! YOU CAN'T ARREST ME!_**

-Sebben & Sebben-

BeBe: How does Cartman get off that easy?

Harvey: We got screwed! Damn that Anderson!

Wendy: I'm gonna go kick his ass!

(Pulls her hair back and takes her snow coat off)

Harvey: We may have gotten screwed in court, but you can beat him up in the courtyard!

(phone rings)

Harvey: Sebben & Sebben Law Firm, Harvey Birdman speaking.

(Mr. Anderson yells on the other end)

Harvey (angry): **_GO BACK TO GREEN BAY, ASSHOLE!_**

_Everyone laughs_

_An Oshawatt bursts through the door with Aqua Jet and knocks Wile E. Coyote out the open window_

_***THUD!***_

_Everyone laughs harder_

(Harvey Birdman credits)


	13. The Sky's not my Limit

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 13

The Sky's not my Limit

Time: 21:30 p.m. Date: The day after Bound For Glory 2011

Place: Karen Jarrett's office

Karen (yelling): **_VELVET! GET IN HERE!_**

Velvet (thinking): _Oh, God; what is that bitch yelling about **NOW?**_

Velvet Sky opens the door and Police come in and cuff her

Karen (angry): **_WHAT DID I DO?_**

Officer: Know what this is?

Karen: The Immortal Title?

(The officer slams her on the desk)

Officer: You're going to jail for **_A VERY, LONG, TIME!_**

(Harvey Birdman opening)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Harvey is doing some paperwork from a upcoming case

Harvey: Avenger, can you hand me the case file _Cody Rhodes v. Kermit the Frog_?

(Avenger caws and hand him the case file)

Peanut: I'm bored as hell, HB!

Harvey: Play with Pooh Bear.

Peanut: He's at his Disney Playboy Mansion you won him a few weeks ago. Remember?

Harvey: Shame too… You'd think he'd keep in touch with us.

* (on intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have clients. A Velvet Sky and Traci Brooks.

Harvey: Send them in.

(Velvet Sky and Traci Brooks come in)

Harvey: What can I do for you?

Velvet: Keep that bitch Karen Jarrett in prison!

Traci: She's been making our lives miserable! Worse than Madison Rayne and Gail Kim!

Harvey: **_GAIL KIM? OF ALL PEOPLE?_**

Peanut: Damn!

Traci: Please, we beg of you! Keep her in jail!

Velvet: And while you're at it, keep Jeff Jarrett in jail.

Harvey: **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

-Sebben & Sebben Mess Hall-

_Harvey is enjoying his lunch when Eva Kaden (Rachel Moore's mother from Detective Conan) walks by_

Eva: May I sit here?

Harvey: Go ahead if you want.

Eva sits at Birdman's table

Eva: You do realize that I'll be defending the Jarretts at the trial.

Harvey (not interested): I see…

Eva: Are you ignoring me…?

Harvey: Quarter past 5.

Eva: You're like someone else I know…

(Richard Moore is locked inside a magic mirror glass case with a saddened look in his face)

Eva (towards Richard): I'll let you out when you learn to stop being a no good womanizing pervert…

Harvey: That's a bit inhumane, don't you think?

Eva: He'll learn his lesson eventually…

Harvey: uh huh… And I bet you treat your current boyfriend worse…?

_Nelson happens to walk by and sees Richard Moore inside that magic mirror glass case_

Nelson: **_HA HA!_**

-Court-

Judge: Mentok the Mind-Taker Bailiff: Christian

Prosecution: Harvey Birdman Defense: Eva Kaden

Christian: All rise! Judge Mentok-

Mentok: Announce my entrance the right way.

Christian: **_HELL NO! _**I'm not gonna give these morons in court what they want!

Mentok: Tell me, do I see **_ONE MORE MATCH _**coming your way?

Christian (angry): **_DAMN YOU!_**

Christian sighs

Christian (sarcastically): Ladies, gentlemen, Randy Orton and all you ungrateful morons; when your car is a-broken and you need a-fixen and you got no where else to go-a Judge Mentok the Mind Taker.

Mentok appears by thunder striking the judge's podium chair. The courtroom applauds

Mentok: **_YES! HAHAHA! _**Score another one for the Mind-Taker! **_OOOOWWEEEEOOOO!_**

Christian: Now I want one more match.

Mentok: Sorry, no can do.

Christian (spitefully): I hate you…

Mentok: Anyway, court is in session.

(Bangs his brain gavel)

Mentok: Harvey, you're first. And try not to bore us this time.

Harvey: Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, my clients have been unmercilessly hazed, harassed and by God; even humiliated at the Defendants own expense-

Mentok: Ms. Kaden if you would kindly give your opening arguments?

Eva: The defendants are innocent. I'm sure the police force had some sort of legitimate reason such as bribery to get them out of the building-

(Glares at Velvet and Traci sharply)

Velvet (angry): **_WHAT WAS THAT BITCH? YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?_**

Eva: You heard me.

(Velvet and Eva end up fighting each other)

Mentok: Keep it up, Ms. Kaden. **_I SMELL RATINGS!_**

(Eva Kaden's hair is a complete mess, she hold Velvet in some sort of Full Nelson hold and Peter Griffin is punching Velvet)

-Court-

Harvey: State your name for the court.

Eric Bischoff: Eric Bischoff.

Harvey: I bet you do… Care to tell me who's paying for this proceeding?

Eva: **_OBJECTION!_**

Mentok: Sustained.

Bischoff: Dixie Cater is.

Dixie (in crowd): Am not!

Harvey: Seriously, who's paying for this courtroom proceeding.

Eva: **_OBJECTION!_**

Mentok: Sustained!

Bischoff: The Immortal regime is.

Harvey: Since the Immortal faction is paying for this trial, let's not waste anytime with the inevitable verdict.

Bischoff: Get rid of Dixie Carter.

(Courtroom gasps)

Harvey (disgusted): Nothing further.

-Court-

Eva: Mr. Jarrett, have you been a good supportive person for your wife?

Jeff Jarrett: Of course I have.

Kurt Angle: **_SHUT UP JEFF!_**

Mentok: Bwooeeeooo!

(Kurt Angle's mouth has been zipped shut by a zipper. His muffled yelling can be heard as Christian escorts him out of the courtroom)

Eva: Thank you… Nothing further.

-Court-

Harvey: Mrs. Jarrett, have Jeff ever been violent towards women?

Karen: No sir, he has not.

Harvey: Need I remind you that you are under oath?

Karen (angry): **_WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!_**

(Avenger kills the lights and footage from SMACKDOWN! 2001 plays)

Harvey: I have here footage of him in a SMACKDOWN! event in 2001 that shows Jeff Jarrett not only attacking Mea Young with a guitar but you also uttered these words and I quote-

(Michael Cole glares at Harvey viciously)

Harvey: **_"A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE KITCHEN, BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT!"_**

Courtroom gasps in horror followed by an angry mob of women closing in on Jeff and Karen Jarrett

Patrick Star: For shame. Have you no respect.

Mentok: Oh what the hell, **_GUILTY! _**You may now maul the Jarretts.

_The entire courtroom chases after the Jarretts in angry mob form_

-Sebben & Sebben-

Harvey: Some ending to the trial, huh girls? Even I didn't see that coming…

Velvet: Mr. Birdman, we can't thank you enough.

Traci: So to commemorate this event we want to take you to dinner at the most expensive place of your choice!

Velvet: So long as you don't mind a friend of ours coming with us?

Harvey: Why not?

(Winnie the Pooh comes in with an expensive tricked out t shirt and a new solid gold Hunny Pot)

Harvey: **_POOH BEAR? IS THAT YOU?_**

Pooh: I see you met my friends, Harvey Birdman… But if I may suggest-

Peanut: Name it Pooh Bear! You want it, you got it!

Pooh: Free pots of Hunny for everyone!

_Everyone laughs_

(Madison Rayne bursts in)

Madison (angry): **_WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! I'M GONNA F***ING KILL YOU BIRDMAN-_**

(Heathcliff presses the trap door switch. You can even hear Madison screaming in terror as she falls)

_Everyone laughs harder_

(Harvey Birdman credits)


	14. 1 if by Anger, 2 if by Seething

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 14

1 if by Anger, 2 if by Seething

Time: 20:30 pm Date: Penguins vs. Redwings Hockey Game

Place: Consol Energy Arena

*: Sidney Crosby is leading the Penguins to victory-

(bodies crash and thump into various walls, as the referee blows the whistle)

Referee: Penalty on Pittsburgh! Detroit get 5 Penalty Shots!

(crowd boos loudly on the Penguins side but loud cheers on the Redwings side)

Vegeta (angry): **_WHAT? GET THAT DAMNED REFEREE OUT OF THERE!_**

(all 5 Penalty Shots were successful making the crowd erupt into more boos on the Penguins side)

Vegeta (angrier): **_THAT'S IT! THAT REFEREE IS A DEAD MAN!_**

_Vegeta turns Super Saiyan, breaks down the Plexiglas and attacks the referee_

*: **_WE'VE GOT A DONNYBROOK HERE!_**

(police officers jump Vegeta as they slam him to the wall and cuff him. You can still hear Vegeta yelling and swearing at the top of his lungs)

Vegeta (completely irate): **_THAT REFEREE DESERVES TO DIE! I'M THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIYANS DAMMIT! LET ME F***ING GO!_**

Officer: Tell it to the Judge!

_the police toss him in their cruiser and speed off, you can still hear Vegeta screaming_

(Harvey Birdman opening)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Harvey is looking over his recent deportation case of Rorrona Zolo as Peanut is playing NHL 2012 on his PS3. Peanut is actually wearing a Detroit Redwings hockey jersey with his name and the number 13 on the back of it

Peanut: Did you watch the hockey game last night, HB?

Harvey: No, I was watching the Steelers game with Mai Valentine. I have never met any woman in my life who truly bled black and gold.

Peanut: You mean she's a Pittsburgh Losers junkie?

Harvey (angry): **_DON'T LET HER HEAR THAT! SHE'LL MAME US BOTH!_**

*BUZZ*

*: Mr. Birdman, you have a client.

Harvey: Send him in.

(Future Trunks comes in)

Harvey: What can I do for you Trunks?

Trunks: My Dad's in jail… **_AGAIN! _**You want to take his case?

Harvey: What did Vegeta do **_THIS TIME? _**Assaulting the teacher? Disrupting class? Truancy? Bringing weapons to school!

Peanut: That's High School, HB.

Harvey: Putting his dorm mate's underwear on the flag pole? Driving under the influence-

Peanut: That's college, Harvey.

Trunks: Attacking the referee in a yesterday's hockey game.

Harvey: Ouch! He's looking at some extremely hard time for this one… **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

_Beetle Bailey and Sarge come crashing through the window as Sarge beats up Beetle and stomps him flat into a pancake_

-Prison, Block Z, Cell 1-

Trunks and Harvey are walking to Vegeta's holding cell

Trunks: It shouldn't be hard to find Dad's cell… I mean, the warden has Block Z, Cell 1 reserved with his name on it.

Harvey: They can reserve prison cells? Since when?

Trunks: Since George W. Bush was incarcerated with Eric Bischoff. Remember how that trial went down…?

Harvey: Don't go there with a 20 foot pole.

Vegeta: Well, it's about damn time Birdmoron!

Harvey: It's Birdman.

Vegeta (angry): **_SHUT UP! I'LL SAY WHATEVER I WANT!_**

Harvey: So what's with attacking a referee at the hockey game yesterday night?

Vegeta: That damned referee was asking for it!

Trunks (quietly to Harvey): Anger Management went to see the Penguins game yesterday night. The game was sold out for weeks, but the only reason my Dad was able to go was because Matt Ishida was "out with a fever."

Harvey: I see…

-Court-

Judge: Hyra Mightor Bailiff: Chief Wiggum

Prosecution: Paul Heyman Defense: Harvey Birdman

Chief Wiggum: Here ye, here ye! The Honorable Judge Hyra Mightor presiding.

_Paul Heyman has a smirk on his face._

Bandit Keith: I smell a rat…

Mightor: Sit down and shut your pie holes! This court is in session!

(Ox King inadvertently breaks the doors down and Goku's family comes in)

-Court-

Heyman: So if may, begin opening statements, it's obvious to me, and everyone here when I say that the defendant Vegeta is a danger to himself and everyone around us.

(everyone boos)

Heyman: **_EVERYBODY SHUT THE F**K UP! WHEN PAUL HEYMAN TALKS; EVERYBODY LISTENS!_**

(courtroom boss loudly)

Mightor: **_SHUT YOUR PIE HOLES!_**

(slams club multiple times. The courtroom gets quiet)

Heyman: Now as I said-

Chi-Chi (from crowd, angry): **_OH BROTHER! LET'S KILL THIS GUY!_**

Harvey: May I have opening arguments?

Mightor: Proceed, Mr. Birdman.

Harvey: This isn't the first time that Vegeta has blown his top from his excessive need to explode when angry… But I ask you, should anger be made a felony? A felony by law that if anyone shows the slightest bit of anger that would mean that you would be prosecuted by the fullest extent of the law? Is that a chance that **_YOU THE JURY _**are willing to take? **_I-DON'T-THINK-SO!_**

Homer (from Jury): **_BORING!_**

-Court-

(Bulla is at the stand. She's wearing clothes that show too much skin (including the breasts) She fuddles with her hair and smokes a cigarette)

Harvey: State your name to the court, for the record.

Bulla: Bulla Michelle Briefs, what's it to ya?

Harvey (quietly to Vegeta): What in God's name is she wearing?

Vegeta: Blame her mother!

Harvey: Has your father been belligerent before?

Bulla: Who Daddy? Oh, please he's always been in a sour mood. But I love him for being the aggressive man that he is… (Except for when I try to bring my boyfriend home…)

Vegeta (angry): **_HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT! I REFUSE TO BE RELATED TO KAKARROT!_**

Goku: C'mon Vegeta. It'd be fun to be brothers like that movie-

_Vegeta turns Super Saiyan_

Vegeta: **_YOU EVER MENTION THAT ATTROCITY AGAIN, AND I'LL KILL YOU!_**

Mightor (bangs his club gavel multiple time): Mr. Birdman, you better control that client of yours!

Bulla: It's fine, honey… Besides Daddy usual cools down after a beer or two…

_Heyman forcefully sticks a beer bottle in Vegeta's mouth._

Goten: That cannot be healthy…

-Court-

Heyman: Mr. Ishida, can you explain why you weren't able to go to the hockey game yesterday night?

Matt: I got sucker punched for absolutely no reason.

Heyman: And who was it that sucker punched you?

Matt: He's right there! Vegeta!

Vegeta (angry): **_YOU WANNA FIGHT?_**

Matt (angry): **_BRING IT YOU SON OF A BITCH!_**

Gabumon: No Matt, fighting only leads to more fighting.

Agumon: Besides, we're in the Court of Law. They'll lock you up forever. Look what happened to Gatomon after she came out of Digimon Prison.

(Gatomon is seen nursing a litter of Gatomon kittens)

-Court-

Harvey: So Vegeta can have a bit of an extreme temper, Bulma?

Bulma: That he does.

Harvey: Is there a shred of good inside him?

Mightor (bangs club gavel multiple times): **_MR. BIRDMAN, YOU BETTER HAVE A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR THIS!_**

Harvey: We do, Your Honor. I truly believe that despite the arrests, the Anger Management that he failed, and any other negative things in the world, Vegeta has given Bulma 2 kids, and a house, but if his kids grow up to be half way decent, it will be because of Bulma and Vegeta. (I think…)

Heyman: **_OBJECTION! _**You can't honestly say you're going to buy this horse crap from Harvey Birdman!

Mightor: Court is in recess for 30 minutes.

(bangs club gavel)

-Moe's Tavern-

Krillin: Talk about a hard place and a rock… Vegeta's innocence is riding on you Birdman.

Harvey: As if I don't know that already.

Gatomon: Beer, and quiet place to-

Moe: **_'EY! _**If you wanna breed, do it in the bathroom.

(the bathroom is shaking with some woman moaning passionately)

Tien: What sort of place are you running?

Moe: Oh, that's just Bulla. She rents the bathroom for sex. I'd go in there; you know, just to watch but I'm not lookin' ta get arrested.

Yamcha: Poor Bulla… She hasn't been the same since Vegeta first got arrested…

Krillin: I guess you can't blame her for that…

Harvey: I just hope Judge Mightor makes the right call…

(fighting in the bathroom)

Chiaotzu: Shouldn't we go in there and stop her?

Badass Launch: Nah, let 'em fight. **_'EY! MORE BREWSKI!_**

_Bulla is kicked right out of the bar_

Moe: **_HEY YOU! NO KIDS IN THE BAR!_**

(Moe chases Chiaotzu out of the bar with a shotgun)

-Court-

(Mightor is seen with Bulla in his arms)

Mightor: Has the Jury reached a verdict?

Tentomon: We have Your Honor. _"We the Jury find Vegeta (the defendant) Not Guilty!"_

Heyman: **_NO! NO GODDAMMIT!_**

Mightor: Vegeta is free to go, but as a precaution, he will be placed under house arrest for 30 days and not be allowed to leave his house for any reason-

Bulla: Uh uh uh… You remember our little deal?

Mightor: Oh, right. Pardon, Vegeta is free to go and I will personally wipe his criminal record clean.

(slams club gavel)

-Sebben & Sebben-

Goten: Wait, you seduced Judge Mightor so you could get him out of anger management, **_THEN_** he'd let us get married? That's a bit of a crazy scheme…

Bulla: Smart, huh?

Vegeta: Good work Bulla. You can marry Goten if you want. Now that I have a clean record, my law firm should be opening in about 10 days. I'm going to run you out of business Birdman!

(Vegeta laughs maniacally)

Harvey: Good luck with that…

_The Angry Birds are pecking at Gatomon when she finally swats at the chubby little red one and chucks it at the wall_

Red Chubby Angry Bird: **_OWCH!_**

(Everyone laughs)

_Heathcliff presses the trapdoor switch and Vegeta falls right through. You can hear Vegeta cussing and yelling as he falls_

(everyone laughs harder)

(Harvey Birdman credits)

A/N: ONE MORE CHAP AND I'LL START ON HARVEY BIRDMAN: ATTORNEY AT LAW SEASON 2!


	15. Sonic's got Speed!

Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

By: DMEX

Ch. 15

Sonic's got Speed!

Time: 21:00 pm Date: The night before the Mushroom Cup

Place: Luigi Raceway

_Several Pinatas are shopping around as a bright blue streak of light blazes by like the wind_

Green Pinata (angry, waving his fist at the air): **_WATCH IT JACKASS!_**

_Sonic is speeding through Luigi Raceway without a care in the world, smirking about_

(Garbled police radio chatter)

Chief Wiggum: Copy that… Got your nightstick ready Lou?

Officer Lou: Locked and loaded, Chief.

(Police siren blares as Chief Wiggum goes in hot pursuit of Sonic the Hedgehog)

Sonic: Dammit! Not the fuzz!

_Sonic ends up running into a street light and stops him cold as Chief Wiggum and Officer Lou catch him_

Chief Wiggum: End of the line for you Sonic.

_Officer Lou handcuffs him and picks him up_

Chief Wiggum: You have the right to remain silent-

_hits him with a nightstick, Sonic grunts_

(Harvey Birdman opening)

-Sebben & Sebben, Harvey's Office-

_Harvey is doing some paperwork as Peanut is playing _Sonic Generations _on his PS3. Avenger is watching Peanut play_

Harvey: Avenger, I need you to help me. Can you find the case file, _Kurt Angle v. State of Tennessee_?

(Avenger caws then ignores him)

Harvey: Avenger, seriously. I seriously need you to help me.

(Avenger flies over to him, finds the case file and sits at his perch)

Peanut: Got a hot date tonight, HB?

Harvey: If you mean by date, you mean Judge Walters?

Peanut (doesn't buy it): You're dating She-Hulk?

*BUZZ*

* (on intercom): Mr. Birdman, you have some clients.

Harvey: Send them in.

(The door opens, Amy Rose, Knuckles and Tails come in)

Harvey: What can I do for you?

Tails: You won't believe this but Sonic got arrested yesterday night.

Amy: **_PLEASE HELP SONIC! HE CAN'T SURVIVE PRISON!_**

Knuckles: (scoffs) Who cares? It's Sonic's own fault he got locked in jail, anyway.

Amy (tearfully): **_HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL?_**

Peanut (sarcastically): Way to go, Knucklehead! Why don't you make the lady cry?

Harvey: So what he do?

Tails: Speeding down Luigi Raceway. They think Sonic's on Speed.

Knuckles: Wouldn't put it past Sonic…

(Amy bursts into tears, Peanut hammers Knuckles)

Harvey: Don't worry, Amy. Sonic will be out of prison in no time. **_I'LL TAKE THE CASE!_**

ODB crashes through the roof and through Harvey's desk. She sits up, gives herself smelling salt, pats her boobs and drinks out of her flask

Tails: Didn't see that coming…

-Prison, Cell B, Block 7-

Harvey: Sonic The Hedgehog?

Sonic: That's me.

Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you in court.

Sonic: Can you believe the nerve of the fuzz? I'm the world's only drug free super speed hedgehog and they lock me up for speeding!

Knuckles (sarcastically, like Ron White): We feel your pain…

Amy smashes through the prison wall and gives Sonic a bear hug, choking the life out of Sonic

Amy: **_OH SONIC! I WAS SO WORRIED THAT I WOULD NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!_**

Sonic (tapping out): You're hurting me, Amy.

-Luigi Raceway-

Harvey: uhhhh-

Lakitu: Lakitu.

Harvey: Suck at that language… Did you see anything unusual yesterday night?

Lakitu: No, I was playing Super Smash Bros. with King Koopa all night. We crushed Mario like it's 1985.

Koopa: And we'll keep crushing them Mario's this time on the race track!

Harvey: Backing away…

-Sebben & Sebben Bathroom-

Phil Ken Sebben: Birdman, got a second?

Harvey: Phil we're in a bathroom!

Phil: This is urgent!

Harvey: What is it, Phil?

Phil: You remember when Vegeta said he'd open his law firm and run us out a business?

Harvey: Why?

Phil: Vegeta just opened his law firm and one of his lawyers are gonna be in court. **_YOUR CASE _**to be exact!

Harvey: **_HE CAN'T DO THAT!_**

Phil: My hands are tied… Seriously, their tied in a knot. Note to self, never go to Toon World Comedy Club. **_HA HA_**! Rubber house!

-Court-

Judge: Hyra Mightor Bailiff: Rouge the Bat

Prosecution: Dr. Eggman Defense: Harvey Birdman

Rouge: Here ye, here ye; the Honorable Judge Hyra Mightor presiding.

(Mightor comes in and sits at the Judge's podium)

Mightor: Sit down and shut your pie holes! This court is session!

Mightor slams his gavel club

(guzzling sounds)

Mightor(slams club gavel multiple times): **_JAMES STORM, YOU BETTER NOT BE DRINKING BEER IN MY COURTROOM!_**

James Storm: Moonshine…

Mightor: Very well… Mr. Eggman, proceed…

Eggman: Gladly Your Honor! Sonic has been arrested for speeding! And I always asked myself: "What would I do if I ever got Sonic in court?" The answer is: **_"LOCK THAT HEDGEHOG UP"_** so that I can finally rule the world!

Mightor: Mr. Birdman, your opening arguments.

Harvey: Sonic the Hedgehog. Mascot of SEGA, arch-rival of Mario, brother and of course, the world's fastest drug free hedgehog. My client was arrested and is **_BEING SUED IN COURT_**, no less; for speeding! He is also being accused of using Speed! **_YOU THE JURY MUST CORRECT THIS HORIBLE MISTAKE!_**

-Court-

JBL is at the witness stand. He has his arm in a sling and looks very beaten up.

Eggman: State your name for the court, for the record.

JBL: John Bradshaw Layfield.

Eggman: Tell me Mr. Layfield, have you ever met Sonic?

JBL: **_MET HIM? I KNOW HIM!_**

Eggman: And how would you know Sonic?

Harvey: **_OBJECTION!_**

Mightor: Sustained! Mr. Layfield, answer the question.

JBL: He broke into my mansion!

Eggman: He held you captive for 40 minutes. What did Sonic do to you in those 40 minutes?

JBL: **_I HAVE NIGHTMARES THINKING ABOUT THAT. AND I WAKE UP SCREAMING! SCREAMING!_**

Amy (angry): **_LIAR! SONIC DID NO SUCH THING!_**

Mightor (banging club gavel multiple times): Miss Rose, do I need to hold you in contempt of court?

Harvey: Your Honor, you can't trust Mr. Layfield! He's a notorious liar.

JBL (quietly): Remember what they said in anger management…

-Court-

Harvey: State your name for the court.

Tails: Tails Prower.

Harvey: Prowling is your game is it?

Tails (confused): Pardon?

Harvey: Mr. Prower, you're Sonic's best friend are you not?

Tails: Yes, sir.

Harvey: And you have never been arrested in your life?

Tails: No, sir.

Harvey: Are you old enough to drive?

Tails: Yes, sir.

Harvey: Need I remind you are under oath?

(Avenger kills the lights and show footage of Tails driving the Tornado)

Harvey: You were caught driving under age in San Andreas a few months ago.

Tails: I'm 7 years old. I'm allowed to drive.

Harvey: You may be in dog years, but you are a child in the eyes of the law!

-Court-

Mightor: Has the Jury reached a verdict?

Shou: We have Yer Honor.

Mightor: On the count of Speeding?

Shou: _"We the Jury find Sonic T. Hedgehog turnover-"_

Agent Mai: Turn the paper around Shou.

Shou: Sorry. _"We the Jury find Sonic T. Hedgehog Not Guilty of Speeding."_

Mightor: And on the count of possession the drug Speed?

Shou: _"We the jury find Sonic T. Hedgehog Not Guilty of possession of illegal drug Speed."_

Eggman: **_NOT GUILTY? BUY HOW?_**

Amy: I'll tell you how Eggman! Sonic kicked your ass in the past, and he'll continue to kick your ass!

James Storm: Eggman! **_SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK!_**

_everyone laughs_

(Harvey Birdman credits)

A/N: Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law Season 2 will be out soon!


End file.
